Can we say overtired?

The semester has finally come to and end, and I'm officially on Christmas break, but my mind is still trying to recover. Work has been an unending line of people returning items, exchanging items, and so on and so forth. Most days the service desk looks like a bomb exploded somewhere in the near vicinity. It's not pretty! We leave ourselves enough room to move around as best as possible and try not to think about how much fun it's going to be to sort all of those items at days' end.

Every day, I feel more and more tired, even when I get an adequate nights sleep...which is rare. Tonight though, I realized the depth of my exhaustion. There was an almost unheard of break in customers at the service desk, so I decided to start cleaning up. I found an item that I wasn't sure which department to sort it in to. Fortunately, our computer will tell me where it belongs if I perform and item inquiry and scan the item. So........I pushed the item inquiry button on the computer, so far so good, then I picked up the phone to scan the item. Which would work if the phone was designed to scan items, but since it's only designed to answer phone calls, was completely ineffective. I managed to realize that I was holding the wrong thing and did find my wand to scan the item, but not before making myself feel like an idiot. I definitely need some more sleep!

WHO did this?

I finished my last final for the semester this morning. It was the writing course, so the final was not too terribly awful, just write a paper. Of course, the topic was huge and it had to be persuasive and we only had two and a half hours......but all in all, I think it went well.

Makya has been begging for weeks to come and spend the night with me again. I promised her that as soon as I finished school she could come and visit. So, tonight is the night. She is so excited.

My bedroom has befallen the same fate it does every semester at the end. Nearly ever surface is covered with papers, books, notebooks, pencils and other school paraphernalia. And of course there's the clothes......work clothes over the chair to minimize wrinkling, other clothes hanging out of the overflowing laundry bag, or lying near it in cases where I missed and just haven't picked them up yet. In other words, it's a disaster. I had intended to get it cleaned up before I picked Makya up, but I didn't get a chance to finish. So, it was still a mess when she arrived.

And did I ever get the once over. We were bringing her things to put them in my room. Sharon (my house-mate) was standing there as we opened the door. I turned on the light, and like lightning those three year old hands went on her hips, "Ya-Ya, WHO did this???" The expression on her small face was priceless, a mixture of disbelief and disgust. It was hilarious! Sharon and I nearly fell over laughing. I couldn't even answer her for several minutes because I was laughing so hard. Finally, I told her, "Ya-Ya did." She looked at me disbelievingly and said, "You need to clean this up." Where has she heard that before?

Apparently she doesn't remember the ends of semesters before I moved out. And so, I've been reprimanded by a three year old..........and I'm going to work harder to keep my room clean in the future. ;)

Thank God for Thanksgiving!

For those who may be wondering.......yes, I'm still alive and kicking. The past couple months have been some of the most hectic and stressful in a while. Last week, I hit the wall.....hard. I'm approaching the end of the semester, which in college terms means every professor gives you a major project that has not been previously explained in detail and expects that you will have it completed on time. Of course, you couldn't possibly have any other homework due in any of your other classes at the same time, right? WRONG!! In addition, preparing for the MCAT is a lot of work. In hindsight, I think I should have waited to take that course, but oh well, it's too late now! Between school, MCAT, work, homework and a few other extracurricular responsibilities, I've been going non-stop since August. I am not a procrastinator, I am always studying and trying to keep up, but it has been really hard to stay on top this semester. It's been catching up with me slowly but surely. There have been more and more days where I didn't feel well. But last week, was the straw that broke the camel's back. Thursday was an "all-nighter" to finish a project due Friday morning. Friday was a full day of school and work. Saturday was an MCAT practice exam (5.5 hours of fun) and a full day of work. The results of my practice MCAT were dismal, adding to my feelings of doom and gloom. Sunday morning.........I couldn't get out of bed, I was done. Every time I stood up, the room spun out of control and I was threatening to lose my previous meal. I had an MCAT class I had to attend in the afternoon, which I managed to force myself up for. And then since I had gotten up for that I couldn't justify to myself calling in to work sick. So, I worked most of my shift and then came home. Unfortunately I had a 10 page paper due the next morning, that wasn't complete. So, Sunday was another "all-nighter." I dragged myself to class 8:00 a.m. Monday to turn in my paper, then through the next two classes, to hand in assignments and take quizzes. I didn't finish the day at school Monday......I couldn't. I came home and went back to bed. I was fried. Thankfully, this week was Thanksgiving. When I went to sleep Monday, I didn't wake up until late Tuesday morning. Finally, now at the end of the week, I'm beginning to feel like a semi-sane person again. However, it's been good for me in some ways, because God and I have gotten down to some very intentional conversations about my life. In times of desperation, who else can truly help? (As you might imagine, the next couple weeks are going to be crazy, hectic again because we've got one week of classes and then finals. I will therefore probably not update until after school is out for the semester.)

Honestly, I don't dye my hair!

I learned some very valuable lessons about myself this week: I am not as young as I used to be and I am definitely not made for all-nighters. In fact, they cause me to become down-right delirious. This week has been incredibly busy. I've been going, going, going, non-stop all week. I also had two tests and a paper due. I took the first test Wednesday. With that finished, I set to getting the paper finished by Thursday, so it could be revised before I turned it in on Friday. This also would free up my Thursday evening to study for the second test, also on Friday.

So.......I sat down to write my paper in earnest Wednesday evening about 8:30 p.m. after my MCAT study class. I had already started, but had experienced writer's block and needed to finish up. I did finish up, but it wasn't until 5:30 a.m. Thursday morning. I then went to bed and got up 4 hours later so I could be to work at 11 a.m. The work day went fairly smoothly, except for when I accidentally short-changed one of my supervisors $100 when cashing his check. Yeah, not so smooth. Anyhow, I came home and sat down to study for my test. Then I went to bed relatively early so I could get sufficient sleep.

The morning went smoothly at first. In fact, I didn't have any trouble until I got to school. After parking, I gathered everthing I needed to take with me, my digital recorder, my car keys, my cell phone, my backpack, the library books I needed to return and a random to-go cup that I was planning to throw away. I left my car, pulling my backpack with one hand (in which I was also holding my keys and digital recorder) and carrying the library books in the opposite arm, with the cup in that hand. It probably really was a sight. =) All is going smoothly.......I approach the garbage can, and holding the cup in my hand, throw away........my keys, yes folks that's right, genius just threw away her car keys. (Not smart!) Yeah, so at 7:30 in the morning, before class, I was digging through a nasty trash can full of none other than chocolate pudding looking for my keys. Now, anyone who knows anything about gravity realizes that the keys were not just sitting on the top....oh no, they sank. I was digging through the depths of a trash barrel looking for my keys. Thankfully I found them, then threw away the cup I had intended to chuck in the garbage in the first place. I am now covered to the middle of my forearm in afore mentioned chocolate pudding. Gross! I walked to the library, dropped the books in the bin and headed for the bathroom, where I washed my disgusting arm and filthy keys. Then I went to my classroom. Right outside the room, I dropped my digital voice recorder, sending batteries and the rear plate sprawling across the floor. Arrrrrrrghhhhh! After collecting pieces, I sat down and waited for class to commence, so that I might be prevented from any further adventures.

Fortunately, the rest of my day went better. However, I have determined that staying up all night is just not really a very good idea for me. I could have passed for a full-fledged blond this morning........not even kidding.

Random thoughts

This blog entry is long overdue, but I fear my blogging is going to be very far and few between for the next several months. School is in full swing and the homework assignments are piling up, leaving little time for anything else.

Anyhow, I thought I would share some of the things that have been going on in my life of late, along with some of the random thoughts that seem to occupy my mind at various times.
I was eating lunch at school the other day. It was a nice day, so I was sitting outside with my salad. The salad had come with lemon wedges. As I was sitting eating, a bee came and began buzzing around my head. I swatted it away with a napkin, but it persistently came back. It seemed attracted to the bright yellow color of the lemons, which I guess it assumed was a flower. In an effort to get the bee away from me, I pushed the lemon wedges to the opposite side of the table. The bee proceeded to land on the lemon and checked it out. As I sat there watching this, I was imagining the bees’ face….he just landed on what he thought was a flower, but this sure doesn’t taste like any flower he’s seen before………wrinkled up nose, puckered lips (like when you taste something that’s super sour). I don’t know what the bee actually thought, but he left and didn’t come back. And I got a great chuckle out of imagining a bee with a puckered up face……..it’s random, I know.

Another day I was walking across campus. As I walked, I was watching people around me. It’s something I’ve always liked to do, just watch. There were groups of students walking together, talking and laughing…..I wondered what they were talking about. What was it that made them laugh? I saw people on cell phones, people sending text messages, people on computers, people studying, people just walking. Tidbits of conversation floated through the air. I saw a girl crying. Why was she sad? What made her cry? My heart ached for her. Would it be weird to walk up and ask if there was anything I could do.............I wondered at all the sights and sounds around me. What does Jesus see when he looks at all these things. Does he see his creation too busy for him, caught up in living life their way with no room for his love?..........I wondered.

Makya is in one of the classes to whom I teach music on Sunday mornings. She runs up each week and gives me a huge hug, exclaiming, “Ya-ya, I’m so happy to see you!” She calls me throughout the week as well. “Ya-Ya, what are you doing?” Usually I’m at school, on my way to school, or on my way to work. She then proceeds to say, “Are you coming to see me?” When I tell her that I can’t come right now she says, “Poor Ya-Ya, that’s a bummer.” It’s really cute.

Ashtyn is making amazing strides. It’s incredible really. The other day I stopped by the house to visit. She saw me and got a huge grin and came running with arm lifted up. She giggled with delight when I picked her up and swung her around. The child, who not so long ago seemed to be oblivious to my existence, recognized me and was happy to see me. A few days later, we were eating lunch together after church and she looked at me and said, “Ya-Ya.” It was the most amazing thing! She has never called me by any name up until now…….She also now says, “go,” “there you go” and one random time, “la cucaracha.” God is doing a great work in her through the various therapies she’s receiving.

That’s all there’s time for at present. I will try to update periodically, but with a full load, my MCAT prep course that has its own homework, and my work schedule……..I’m not making any promises.

A gentle push

God knows me so well, it amazes me, and at times makes me laugh. I have been having a little fit about switching stores and leaving the store manager I like so well and the people I've become familiar with. When anyone mentions it, "I'm not ready." "I don't want to." You get the idea.

Well, God definitely has a sense of humor. Last week, they brought me a card to sign for my store manager. She transferred to another store! I don't know the reasons or anything behind her leaving, but now all of a sudden that excuse is stripped away. Yes, I have other reasons that I like my store, but that was one of the major ones.....and now it's gone. Some of the other people I've built rapport with are moving on as well. It seems that this may be a season of change in many areas of my life. God saw that I wasn't wanting to budge, and He stripped away some of my excuses, in order to get me to move forward.

The current store has agreed to work with me through my MCAT prep class which ends in January, so I'm planning to stay on until I finish with that just to spare some hardship on the other end of a transfer.......but the time is coming when I will be changing stores. And I know God has my best interests at heart, He's been showing me that all along, when I'll stop long enough to notice.

Attitude of Gratitude

Last week, I made a choice that I think will probably forever change how I live my life. I was having a day of seemingly endless, excruciating pain. After begging God to relieve me, I finally just came to the point where I was able to tell him, "I don't care if you don't relieve the pain, I'm still going to live for you and I'm going to be thankful for the pain." Now while that might seem bizarre to some, it was a place I needed to come to.

I too often find myself whining to God, "Lord, I hurt so bad, please just make it go away." Can He do that? Of course He can, I have no doubt. Will He do that? I honestly have no idea. Does His allowing me to suffer pain mean He loves me any less or that He's punishing me for some misdeed? Absolutely not! Quite often I have been prayed for and told that all I had to do was believe and I would be healed. When I wasn't healed, I was told I just didn't have enough faith, or I didn't really believe God could do it, or even worse, I had some unforgiven sin in my life that was preventing me from being healed because this was my punishment. Now don't get me wrong, I don't purport to be some amazing Christian who never has any doubts or has somehow attained the ability to never sin. These are still very real struggles for me, but they are not what keeps me from being healed. First and foremost, I know God disciplines us because He loves us, but I do not believe that He is sitting in heaven just waiting for me to screw up so He can inflict His wrath on me. And I don't believe the pain I experience is a form of discipline. Rather, it is a result of our fallen creation.

While I don't really know exactly why God has allowed me to experience this, I do know that He knows. And I trust that this is a tool He is using to change me into the person He created me to be. Who knows, maybe someday I will meet someone else who has/is experiencing something similar and I can be of encouragement to them in their faith. God uses ALL things together for good, not just the nice things, not just the pleasant things, but the ugly, the painful, the seemingly unusable things.........He turns them all to good, if we will but submit ourselves to Him.

And you know what I've noticed? I'm not nearly grateful enough most of the time. I don't thank God often enough for the struggles in my life. Now that I have chosen to begin doing so........it has made all the difference. It doesn't make the pain any less, but it does make it more bearable, because I know that in the long-run it serves a purpose. I also know that I am not carrying the burden of my pain all alone. God is there walking me through it, carrying me when I don't have the strength to carry on. And rather than feeling sorry for myself, I am feeling thankful for the fact that I am still alive and God is not finished with me yet. I still can't wait to get to heaven, but it's not to be pain-free anymore. I can't wait to walk with Jesus and to understand and know the plan He ordained for my life, before I was ever even created.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

One among thousands

This week was my first week of classes. It was also my first week as an offical, full-time student at the University of Texas at San Antonio. This week was, in a word: stressful.

Wednesday morning I left early to find a parking space, which I did with little difficulty (much to my surprise). Then came the task of figuring out where each building was and which classroom I needed. This was a little more challenging. The classrooms are numbered first by the floor they are on. Then there's a second number that I haven't really figured out the purpose of, maybe the hallway number? Then just because three is better than two, there's another number that I'm assuming designates the actual classroom. Honestly, I have no idea. So when you're looking for classroom 3.02.14 and you're somewhere on the third floor, but have no idea where, it can be a bit unnerving. By God's grace and with lots of prayer, I found every class and was even on time.

All day long the song "Sea of Faces" was playing in my head, as I watched literally thousands of people swarm all about me on the campus. There were long lines and confusion almost everywhere you turned. I even put off some things like getting my student I.D. and going to the bookstore just to avoid some of the hassle. I have not seen so many people in, well, a very long time. It was rather intimidating. Additionally, since I don't know anyone at my school it was very lonely and scary. It reminded me very much of my initial university experience. As I was taking it all in and having the song play endlessly in my mind, I was comforted as only the Holy Spirit can comfort by remembering that I'm not in this alone. Because I am a follower of Christ, He is with me everywhere I go. I tried to imagine and observe how others must be feeling, many of them freshmen in this big, new world. I remember that feeling. I tried to comprehend how anyone could do this without the ever-present presence of Jesus by their side. The huge university sprawling before me, felt less frightening, less lonely in view of the fact that I have a friend who sticks closer than a brother walking to each and every class with me. And God, in his goodness and understanding of who I am, allowed me to run across a couple of familiar faces throughout the day.

My prayer for this year has become, God let me shine your presence into the darkness of this university so that others might find the same peace and security I have in you. Help me show others that they don't need to be lost in the sea of faces, because you know them more intimately than any person ever could and desire to be in relationship with them. Use me to minister your love and grace to a hurting world.

The WORD became flesh

Okay, this always blows my mind, but I was thinking about it especially today because I started reading the book of John. God himself, the Creator of the universe loved me and you enough that He took on the shroud of flesh and dwelt among humans. He was fully God and yet he was fully man.........I don't know about you, but I really have a hard time wrapping my small brain around that concept. He knew the fleshly desires I feel, He knew the struggles I face........He knew incredible pain.....He KNEW intimately what it was to be human. I can't even imagine that. That is some love.

On days like today, I can't imagine why he would have wanted to be human. Have you ever looked so forward to something, you could almost taste/imagine/feel it? I can't wait to get to heaven, and I have to admit it is for somewhat selfish reasons. But I can't wait to have a perfect body free of all pain and illness. I truly believe that God uses all things for good, even the really hard things, but in the midst of it, sometimes its' really hard to see where this is all going. My head is throbbing like the constant ticking of a time bomb, threatening to explode at any minute and my body hurts, the slightest touch sending pain shooting through the area and flushing my skin bright red for hours. There are other niceties, but I'll spare you the details. I have no idea when it will end, but then I think of Jesus, nailed to a cross. Can you imagine how painful that must have been? How he must have wished in his humanness for it to end........and yet, he stayed there for me. He loved me enough to endure that indescribable pain. (I've been taking pain killers all day, and He didn't even have that benefit.) And so, today I am choosing to thank God that I am alive despite the pain, and even thank Him for the pain which I know He is using to teach me some greater lesson about His love and goodness and grace. He knows my weaknesses, He knows my limits and He loves me more than anyone else ever could.

Lord grant me the grace to endure as you did and to testify to the world that you are love defined.

Awkward silence

Wow! I never knew silence to be so strange. I like to be quiet and listen to things (you learn a lot by doing so).....people talking, birds singing, whatever might be going on around me. But these past couple weeks have been an eye-opener. I don't really know what it's like to experience quiet. And, I don't really know how I feel about it.......

The people I am living with have been gone every weekend for the last three weeks now, and during the week only the husband has been here. However, we have averted any major awkwardness on either part by having completely opposite work schedules. I'm getting up when he's leaving for work and leave before he gets home. He's already asleep when I get home, so basically we've seen each other a total of maybe 3 times in the last couple weeks. Since I don't know him really, I can't say that's been a problem for me.

This week has been especially odd because I haven't been in school, so a great deal of the "busy"-ness of my life has been stripped away. I've noticed how little silence I have in this fast-paced, constantly on-the-go, life-style I lead. When that's gone, I feel somewhat lost. However, it's also shown me how little time I give to "hearing" God. In the din that is my constant daily pattern, He'd almost need a megaphone to get my attention. I read my Bible and pray, but often that gets caught up in the whirlwind of things going on as well. I've been wanting for a while to take a "retreat of silence" so I can seriously seek God out on some things...........perhaps He's given it to me in a different manner than I had planned in my feeble mind.

I don't know yet what I really think about the silence..........but I think it could grow on me. And who knows, maybe God could actually whisper.

Straining to hear

One of the ways God gets my attention has always been music. I love to listen, just listen, so often I hear the words and they get into my soul and help me refocus. This is one of the reasons I love music so much.

The past couple weeks have been tough. I've got all kinds of people telling me what they think I should do about just about everything in my life. And well, I'm pretty much sick and tired of it. I'm adult, at least last time I checked I was anyway. My life has been pretty much in turmoil all summer. I've moved, I've transferred schools and taken one of the hardest classes I've ever had (during a summer session), my youngest niece requires extra time, my oldest niece desperately misses me and I her, and I've been promoted to a new position at work. Basically, everything I've known for the past couple years has been completely uprooted. I have a very hard time with change...........I don't know why for sure, it's just not really something I care much for.

I've got the dude at work still trying to get me to step down from my new position so he can have it back and now other people pressuring me to relocate stores. I don't want to change stores. I love my store. I work for an amazing store manager, who not only knows my name but knows that I'm in school as well. Every time I see her she greets me by name and asks how school is going. How many store managers do you know that take the time to know each of their employees, really? My direct supervisors are good people to work for and I have built rapport with them. So what if I have to drive farther????.......It doesn't take me any longer than it did before I moved (most of the time) and besides, I like the down time. If I'm willing to pay the extra gas money, why should anyone else care? I'm just soooooooooooo..........I don't even know what

Anyhow. Today, I popped in a favorite CD by the group Downhere. And appropriately enough God spoke to my heart.........

I Will Follow Your Voice

I can hear the people
I hear the ideals they love
I can hear preachers that please other seekers
The message of heroes and proclamation of kings

I hear the messages
I hear the debate
I hear all the love songs
I hear all the promises
I hear music that dreamers create

I won't take advice from cynics
I won't listen to the word of fools
Sure, everyone has their own take
On what I should do, but...

I will follow Your voice
I will follow Your voice
I will trust Your choice
I will not fear

I will follow Your voice
I will follow Your voice
Not my will but Yours
Be done here...

I can hear the questions
The answers that breed doubt
The spiritual poison of hecklers and demons
Who whisper in corners, hoping for a sell-out

I can feel the pressure
To filter everything I say
To sit down in silence
Put up with injustice and turn the other way

I hear about a war
I lose with tragic force
I hear I'm going down
I'm headed for the ground
I hear I should panic
I should be afraid
I hear through all the noise
A still and steady voice say...wait

With every channel on
We don't know where we belong
Help me to hear Your voice
Above all the other noise

Not that I am presumptuous enough to say that the people who are saying some of these things are fools or don't have my best interests at heart......it's just that they don't know me like God does. And so, at the end of the day, I realize once again........it doesn't matter what ANYONE says as long as I listen to and follow the lead of my shepherd's voice.

Grace

Grace is something extended to us that we do not deserve. I am knowing grace today. This entire summer session, I have struggled through my Biochemistry class. Not that it was a particularly difficult class in itself, but there was a lot of reading (Ask anyone I know, I always had my book with me...........when we went places in the car, on all my breaks at work, every minute I was home) and I never really could figure out the teacher's testing technique. The material I thought I knew, never was what I seemed to need to know. I had fallen behind in my reading to the point of being ridiculous and impossible to catch up. There was simply too much going on between work, school, and general life for me to handle everything. I had become discouraged and hopeless with regard to the class and even though I wanted to do well, had begun to not care. Last week, I finally caught a break and was able to read the material thoroughly for the upcoming final exam. By my calculations, I could only miss one question to still have a chance at a "C" in the class. (When there's only 20 questions on an exam, every question missed hurts........a lot.) I went in, began my exam, and like every test before, there were some questions that I knew the answers to, and some that I had no idea where she had even gotten them from. Fortunately, the ones I knew were the first seven or eight questions on the exam, so I was able to feel confident until near the end of the exam. I left the test attempting to be upbeat, but inwardly feeling defeated. There was simply no way that I could possibly have missed only one. And I was right......I missed four. For the first time since the beginning of the course, I got a B on a test! Now, I had been keeping very close tab of what my grade was and knew that even this B wasn't going to be enough, but then I looked down at my final grade. As clear as day, there it was, "C." This is not a merciful teacher, she let us know at the beginning of the semester that her grades are cut and dry.....don't ask her for adjustments. But somehow, I ended up with a "C." The only explanation I can think of is grace........she didn't give me what I had earned, she rounded the points up.

This experience set me to thinking of course about God's grace. How much more vast and incredible is that. This was a simple grade, He had grace on my life. In my sin nature, I deserve to die and be separated from Him, but that was not acceptable to Him. He wants me (sometimes I can't think why) to be with Him so much that He sent His only Son to pay the debt that I could never repay. I didn't deserve that, I didn't do anything to earn it..........He gave it, freely. He did not give me what I did deserve, but instead gave me something that I could never do on my own. I love that God uses the events of my every day life to remind me constantly of who He is and how much He really does love me. I am always awed at how he orchestrates things in order to point me back toward Him when I need it most.

And........for those of you who are concerned about a future doctor who barely passed Biochemistry, I do have to take it again in medical school.........so I will know what I'm doing when I graduate. :)

Little Christ

As a believer I am called to be like Christ, to have the same mind, purpose and goals as He did. He came to minister life in abundance and fullness, a life of freedom in Him. I often find myself frustrated in my Christian walk, because I feel like I am not growing or becoming as Christ-like as I ought. I am to be an ambassador for Christ to the world......a little Christ. I am not asserting that I will ever be Christ himself, but rather I as I become more like Him, will be a mirror reflection of Him to the world around me.

In that light, I was struck by a couple of verses this week. At church, the Sunday morning small group I have been attending is studying the book of Hebrews. Yesterday, we covered Hebrews 5:11-6:3 in part of our discussion. "We have much to say about this, but it is hard to explain because you are slow to learn. In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil. Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again the foundation of repentance from acts that lead to death, and of faith in God, instruction about baptisms, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. And God permitting, we will do so."

The analogy was given: This is like going to a National Park. There is a trail at the park along which you can hike and it has many twists and turns in it. At the head of the trail is a visitor center. You go into the visitor center and a man comes and explains what the trail is like and what to expect and watch out for along the way. You listen to the entire spiel and then just stand in the visitor center. Fifteen minutes later, the same guide returns and gives the same information and you listen and then continue to stand there. Fifteen minutes later, you listen again.....and again and again and again......you get the idea. You have all the tools you need to begin the journey, but you're staying in the visitor center and not leaving to actually walk the trail.

I have to admit that I think I find myself in the visitor center a lot. I know what the Bible says about a lot of different things, but I lack the confidence to go out and share my faith. Or at times, I have stepped out to share my faith, but at the first sign of rejection or failure, I've turned and high-tailed it back to the visitor center.

Tonight I was reading in Luke and came again across the parable of the great dinner in chapter 14. The owner of the house prepares a great feast and invites all his friends, and when the time comes, the friends all have an excuse for why they cannot attend. Verse 23 says, "And the master said to the slave, 'Go out into the highways and along the hedges, and compel them to come in, so that my house may be filled. ' " Compel them to come in, not invite, not beg, but compel...........The definition of compel is to drive or urge forcefully or irresistibly; to cause to do or occur by overwhelming pressure. This is not a timid invitation, but rather an offer you can't refuse.

This is the kind of Christ follower I want to be, one who goes out and lives her Christianity for all the world to see and compels other to follow. God, more of you and less of me.............help me mirror you more perfectly.

When customer service goes right

For all the horror stories that one hears working in customer service, it is nice to know that some people out there are not rude, cantankerous and out to take advantage of the system at everyone elses' expense.

Take for example a couple I helped today. The customer had bought a pair of sunglasses and no longer had the receipt (a common occurrence). The glasses were broken and he wanted to exchange them for something else. Since he didn't have either the tags or the receipt, I told him he would have to find something exactly the same in order for me to process the return. He was very polite about it and left with his wife/girlfriend to find an identical pair. When they came back the brought an almost identical pair along with a pair of shoes. Since I could see from the pair that he brought to the counter that the glasses did come from our store, the only difference being an extra couple screws.........I began to process his return. Everything was going smoothly until it came to the shoes he wanted to exchange for........they were marked at one price but came up at a different price. He didn't yell/scream or get upset, he simply said, these shoes are not the correct price, the associate working in the department told us they were "such-and-such." He then ran back to the department, found the associate and brought up the shoes with the clearance tag on the box. Unfortunately, because the price on the shoes was wrong, I now had to restart the entire transaction. I had already tagged the glasses defective and put them in the claims basket and put the glasses he brought up into the return bin. This required that I go back and dig out the glasses from both locations. I restarted the transaction and finished with the customer. I didn't get frustrated, I didn't let it ruffle me, I just did my job to the best of my ability. The customer was very apologetic that we had to begin the process all over again, but I just smiled at them and told them it was no big deal. He left and I continued on.

Several minutes later, one of my managers approached me. She said, "You should know that you just received a very high compliment from one of the people you were helping." She described the man and told me, "He said you were very professional and an asset to our company and that if we ever let you go we would be crazy." She then thanked me for doing a good job.

So, with all the negative people out there, it is nice to know that there still are some people in the world who appreciate what you do for them.

Transitioning

The second day I was here, Makya called me. She was in bed all three of the times my sister and brother-in-law called me the first day.

"Ya-Ya, I want you back." It was the sweetest thing in the world in the most pathetic voice possible.
"Are you missing me?" I asked.
"Yes."
"I miss you too, but I'm going to see you tomorrow at church."
"Ok."
She then proceeded to tell me something unintelligible through the 3-year old gibberish. And she wanted to "show me" something too......she hasn't quite figured out that I can't see anything over the phone line. =)

We missed each other at church due to miscommunication, so I stopped by the house the next day. Makya told her Mom and Dad all day long that I was coming to see "her," it didn't matter why else I might be coming by, like to collect mail and such......in her mind, my only purpose was to see her. (Of course, she was partially correct.) She immediately jumped up from the table and wrapped her entire body around my legs, the second she heard me open the door. It was so good to see her. Ashtyn was excited too, in her own way. She came and held onto my leg until I picked her up. When it was time for me to leave, Ashtyn & Makya were busy in the back yard with popsicles ('Poppy-sickles' as Makya calls them) so I got a simple "Peace out" from Makya. And a quickly added, "I love you!"

My former room was transformed overnight to a "guest room" which is completely rearranged. But I think that is good for everyone, because it gives the room a different sense....so that the reality of the move can set in for everybody.

The new room is now mostly unpacked. I have a couple of containers waiting for my next day off, but otherwise everything's set up. It's quiet here, which is nice when I am trying to study. I don't have to try and keep myself focused while keeping an eye on the girls or chasing after them to attend to their needs. Not that I mind caring for them, it's just nice to have study time that is uninterrupted.

I miss them a lot, more than I really can adequately express in words alone..........but, a new phase of my life is beginning and just around the corner I will see what lies ahead.

A work in progress

This week, much to my delight, I discovered that I have changed. There was a time when I would have been intimidated by a co-workers assertions that I'm less than adequate..........but, yeah, that time has passed.

When I took over the position at Customer Service, I replaced another associate who wanted to get out of that specific department. He therefore took a pay cut and transferred out to the registers. For the past several weeks, he has been constantly trying to get me alone and questioning my like/dislike of my new position. To which I always give the same answer. "It's fine."

Well, since he wasn't getting me to say that I hated it, last week he tried a different approach. He told me (when no one else was around of course) that everyone was saying he should come back to Customer Service. My thought, "Who's everyone?" So, I considered it for a while then asked the girl I normally work with, since she's been there a long time, how she thought I was coming on learning the workings of the service desk and if our supervisors will alert us if we're not performing to the company's expectations. I assumed that they would, but you can't always be certain. She confirmed for me that if there's a problem, they will most certainly address it.

I left it at that and moved on. At that point, I knew that my position was safe, even if he did as he was claiming he was going to personnel and beg to have his old position back. I hadn't really been too worried about it, like I would have been in the past. I know I'm doing my best and that's all I can do. Then yesterday, my managers pulled me aside to talk with me. I hadn't said anything to them, but apparently the other girl did. They just confirmed for me what she had already said, that I'm doing fine and my position is secure....in addition to telling me that no one to their knowledge has said anything to him about wanting him to come back to the service desk.

There was a time, when I was not confident enough in who God created me to be to stand up to this affront, but that time has passed. While I did probably give the whole thing more thought than I should have (something to work on in the future); I wasn't intimidated by it. If everyone thinks he should come back to the service desk, why is he telling me and not them? I was supposed to be intimidated by it, but that plan doesn't work on me any more. He figured, I'd just take his word for it and step down without saying anything. Not gonna happen...........sorry, dude! In the past I would have needed my managers' affirmation to know that I didn't have anything to worry about, but I didn't even need that. Had it not been for my friend, nothing would have ever been said to anyone but her. It's taken a lot of time and just choosing to believe that God's opinion of me is far more important than man's opinion........but I feel like I'm finally making some progress. It's a long journey, I've been believing lies about myself all my life. But I now know that if I can choose to believe God's truth about one thing, believing the truth will get easier and easier over time.

Moved

Well, it's official. Everything I own is now in my new room. I move in today. Most of it is unpacked as well. Makya realizes now what is happening. They helped me move the last of my things to the new house yesterday. When they left before me, she cried and cried and cried. She wasn't sure about leaving her Ya-Ya there. She wanted to pack her suitcase and move in too. I told her she could come and stay the night with me sometime, but she could not move in with me. She just kept saying, "I want to move in Ya-Ya's new house too." I promised her that we would still see each other. I knew this was going to be hard, but I didn't know for sure how hard it would be.............It's going to be very hard, on both of us.

Exhaustion

Today was a reality check. I am exhausted, physically, mentally, emotionally.........I'm done. I woke up late, not late for anything in particular, but just late in general for me. My body hurts, every inch of it, just aches constantly. I sleep on ice and live on over the counter pain killers.........lovely I know.

I'm mostly moved. The mountain of stuff that used to be sitting in my bedroom, is now piled in the new room I have taken residence in. But all my clothes and personal items are here for one more night. Tomorrow I will take the rest of my belongings to my new place and Friday is my official first day living there. And the timing couldn't be better, things are mounting here like a volcano about to erupt and I don't want to be here when that goes down. I have no energy to play peacemaker, protector, or antyhing of that sort.

I'm failing my summer class. I'm so behind in my reading, I've quit. What's the point? I've tried to keep up and I can't. Now I'm just trying to squeak by. I study the material that's presented in class, but nothing is sticking right now. When I actually get to sit down and study I usually fall asleep on my book..........not terribly productive.

And, just to be the icing on the cake, today, I was 2 1/2 hours late to work. Yeah, it was great. I had no idea I was even late until the manager called me at 2 and told me I was supposed to be there at 12. I've been working 4-11 for the past 14 days, and so I just "remembered" it as 4-11 again. I wrote my schedule down..........somewhere........but in the midst of moving, I couldn't find it if I wanted to and I forgot to look at the schedule before I left last night. I was so embarrassed and frustrated..........I just got in my car and left for work. I felt awful, I just cried because I didn't know what else to do.

I honestly feel like I'm coming apart at the seams......I can't imagine how anyone outside of Christ deals with this. We've been in a sermon series at church about Psalm 23. It's a good thing I've got a shepherd, because I'd be a mess otherwise. I don't see a path out, or through, or any direction at this point, but I just keep looking up, because I know HE knows the way and all I have to do is follow.

It's moving day........

Okay, so last week's moving day didn't work out so well. Torrential rain and hurricanes touching down in the vicinity are not really conducive to moving one's personal belongings. So.........today I'm trying again. It's the middle of the night, and I should be asleep, but I'm not. Instead I'm awake..........listening to Makya's coughing, the otherwise still night, the ceiling fan and the click of the keys as I type. My room for the past 2 and 1/2 years consists of boxes, tubs and disassembled furniture. There is a pile of things on one side of the bed with which I've been sleeping the past several days. There's just not been a place to stick them yet, and so they sit and wait for me to find the perfect place to stuff them. The dresser is empty, the walls bare.......the familiar has become unfamiliar. Today, my stuff will be in my new "home." At least most of it, I won't officially move in for another couple days, but my stuff will be there so that at least that aspect will be covered. There's the pile of things that need to be tossed, the pile of things that are getting donated, the pile of things I don't know what to do with and the pile of things that just need to be sorted into one of the other piles. I'm ready to get the clutter out of my room and set things up so they can once again serve a functional purpose beside getting in my way. And so, barring any unforseen inclement weather, in a few hours, I'll be moving.

Moving

I was supposed to move some things from my current house to my "new" house today.........but it never happened. I did manage to reduce the majority of the contents of my room to a stack of plastic bins and cardboard boxes on one side of the room, but there they sit. One box and a piano bench made it down stairs but that was it.......it rained today, really hard. I began packing this morning, hoping that it might let up long enough for me to transport a few items. However, by the time I had disassembled the piano and hauled some boxes to the stairs, it was pouring. The neighbor's house appeared to have waterfall rushing out of the gutter due to the heavy rains. So, the boxes got dragged back to my bedroom and stacked against one wall. Makya was very curious.........."Ya-Ya! What are you doing with your stuff?"........"I'm moving. I'm going to live in a different house soon."..........."Oh........." She's only three, she doesn't get it yet. She can't make that concrete connection that things are changing. Soon however, she will understand.

I am ready in some ways, but in others am not. I'm going from a house of constant noise and distractions, to a place that is very quiet. I'm excited and scared and confused and sad and anxious and a host of other emotions all at once. It will be really nice to have a quiet place to study, maybe I can help the grade point average I'm currently destroying over the summer. But I don't know the people I'm moving in with very well. I don't know for sure what to expect of them or what their expectations of me will be. I'm going to miss the girls......I don't know how long this arrangement will be available or how long I'll need it to be.......Most of all, I don't feel in control of anything. And, for a person who likes to think she's in control, even though she ultimately knows she's not, feeling no sense of control scares me.

This evening at work I had the opportunity to sit outside, by myself for several minutes of my lunch break. It was actually very nice. The weather was cool because it had been raining, it was getting dark outside and there were not many people out. It was so strange to have near silence, but it was really nice. I think I might enjoy the quiet aspect of my new living arrangements. God has been working something out in me for a long time, and unfortunately I am very slow at some lessons, so I'm still working on it. Proverbs 3:5-6 have been key verses for my life for several years now. I think because it's so contrary to how I naturally am inclined to be. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." It's back to the Mary vs. Zechariah discussion I had the other day. It's not about what I know or don't know, it's about trusting God enough to follow His path even when I have no idea where I'm going. He will make my path straight......He doesn't promise to show me the whole path, He doesn't promise there won't be hill/potholes/detours, He doesn't promise me that I'm going to like the path........He does promise that it will be straight. A straight path is easy to follow, you can't get lost. I once heard a sermon illustration that has stuck with me. I remind myself of it, every time I'm having a hard time. The pastor said that trusting God is like driving down a dark road, you know the kind of dark where the only light you have is your headlights. You can only see as far ahead as your headlights reach........you have no idea what is ahead on the road, but you keep driving and with each little bit you travel, more of the road gets revealed. So............now even though I'm overwhelmed with everything I'm choosing to trust. After all, it is a straight path and my shepherd is leading. =)

The heart of a child

I spent another amazing day "shadowing" a local pediatric rehabilitation doctor. Every time I go and watch him I am amazed at how much information he just has stored up in his head and how good he is a what he does. I had the opportunity to see many different cases today. We started out doing rounds with patients in the pediatric ward at one hospital. Then we saw patients at the weekly burn clinic. From there we moved to the other hospital he works at and saw patients in the spasticity clinic. Finally, we did rounds in the pediatric ward of that hospital.

Each case was interesting and has a story behind it. However, there was one in particular that struck me. I met the sweetest little girl. She is beautiful, and has spent the majority of her short life in and out of the hospital. This sweet child has undergone multiple surgeries and likely has more in her future. While she has plenty of reasons to feel sorry for herself, she doesn't. In fact she considers herself very fortunate. She is aware of the world around her. Even though I had to do things during her examination that caused her pain, when we were finished she gave me a huge hug and played high five "Up high, down low........too slow." And as we talked she told me about a commercial she had seen on TV for Feed the Children. She told me that she had been so upset when she saw the commercial that she cried and begged her mom to let her sponsor a child. So now, even with a variety of health issues that make her life very difficult........she works every week to earn the money to sponsor this child herself. It's not her mother.......it's her choice. She earns the money and she chooses how she is going to spend it.

It was a beautiful thing! I was reminded of the verses in the Bible where Jesus talks about being like a child.
Matthew 18:1-5 At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, ‘Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?’ He called a child, whom he put among them, and said, ‘Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.

I think this must be a perfect example of that child heart that Jesus Christ loves. Children are so sweet. They love unconditionally, even those that hurt them. Children know no hate or prejudice until they learn these things from the people around them. They are quick to forgive an offense and are extremely trusting. They believe the best of you even when they don't always see your best. If you tell them something is true, they will accept it as such and fight anyone who attempts to contradict that "truth." And today, I believe that God used a child to show me who He is.

Change can be good, but it's not always easy

Makya, is my eldest niece. She is full of life, energy and love. She is a "princess" by her own declaration and loves dresses, fingernail polish, hair bows, and shoes....not at all like me when I was a child. [And if we're honest, not much like me now either! :)] She was born the year I nearly died; and while I was fighting for my life, my sister was on bed-rest fighting for Makya's. I have been near her since the the day she was born, and for the past 3 years, have had the privilege of living with her. I originally started out as her nanny prior to returning to school. When she was learning to talk, she called me Amy only once at about one year of age.......then it was Ya-Ya, a name she deemed suitable for me. Since that point, I have been her Ya-Ya. "Ya-Ya, where are you?" "Ya-Ya, I sure miss you." "Ya-Ya, you done with your school?" "Ya-Ya, you done with your work?"......"Yaaaaa-Yaaaaaa" late at night when she hears me come in from work and wants to say goodnight. She comes to me for comfort when she is hurt or sick, she yells with delight when she sees me somewhere. We have a special bond, unlike any I have ever felt. I would do anything for her......lay down my life to protect her from harm. We have a relationship much like that of a mother and child, even though she is not physically my child. Makya and I go everywhere together as much as is possible. We adore one another. Things are about to change radically for both of us, though not as radically as was initially planned. Guam is definitely out........the therapy Ashtyn needs is not available there. I am very relieved, I must admit. Three years without seeing much of the girls was not something I was looking forward to. However, there is also an air of uncertainty. Guam is not an option, now it comes down to the military finding a base that offers the needed therapy and also has an available position for my brother-in-law. They will most likely be headed somewhere, it is just uncertain as to where or even when. I in the meantime am moving. It is possible the family will be stationed here another year, but I am still moving. I have been offered a room at a friends' house that they will rent to me and I am moving in at the end of this month. For the sake of Makya and myself, I think this will be best. With a small separation where we can still see one another, Makya will be able to better adapt to not having me around all the time. And I, will be able to adapt to not having her around all the time. It is not an enjoyable thought, though I knew the day would come sooner or later. I feel as though I'm losing a part of myself, like a parent watching their child go out into the big, wide world. I can't imagine life without her, to be honest I haven't wanted to. But in reality I know it is also for the best. Finding time to study has been difficult, the girls want my attention; I'm a free babysitting service, permanently on call. The reality of pursuing medical school, working and continuing this pattern is not realistic. However, it is still a difficult transition......I find myself treasuring every moment with Makya even more and crying a lot. This is an odd thing for me because I'm usually very in control of my emotions and it's not like I'm never going to see her again. I am not losing the relationship like I did when my grammy died, but it IS going to change. And that change is what makes me sad. I don't even know how to put words to it.....there is just a deep sadness that fills me when I think about it. Since in 11 days we won't be living together any more, I guess it's time to think about it........and I should probably start packing too. :)

God knows the heart

I began reading Luke today and was struck again by Mary's response to the angel when he tells her she is going to bear the Son of God. I can't imagine what that must have been like. Knowing how she would be looked upon as an unwed pregnant girl, the only question she has is "how can this be, since I am a virgin?" And after receiving an answer, no more questions, just "let it be with me according to your word." That is amazing to me! She had to be scared, nervous, wondering what Joseph was going to say/do/think........after all, they stoned pregnant unwed girls in those days. Just, "let it be." But that must have been why she was chosen by God, He already knew she would accept the task. He knew she would brave the ridicule and take the risk for Him. He knew in her heart of hearts that she trusted Him completely. She was an integral part of His perfect plan, destined for the purpose of bringing His Son into the world to bring about the forgiveness of my sins. It's awesome to think about.

In stark contrast, we have Zechariah, a priest in the temple of God. He is in the sanctuary when the angel Gabriel appears to tell him about the birth of his future son, John. He asks, "how will I know that this is so? For I am an old man and my wife is getting on in years." Unlike Mary's, question, Zechariah's is more of a disbelief. How do I know what you say is true? Like seeing an angel in the temple of God and having him talk to you isn't enough proof! I notice that the angel reproves Zechariah for his question as disbelief, whereas Mary does not receive the same correction. Mary believed, she just didn't understand how it was possible....Zechariah didn't believe, he wanted another sign that God was really going to do this. This also amazes me, how could a priest who is in the presence of God, or at least as close as you could get in those days, not believe an angel? He had prayed all his life for this........had he just given up hope?

It's challenging to me. I want to respond to God like Mary, trusting Him completely and not worried about anything/anyone around me and how they will react. But honestly, I find myself at times being more like Zechariah, questioning, trying to work it all out in my small little mind. God never promised to show me the whole plan ahead of time, He simply asks that I follow His plan and trust that in the end it will all be for the good. Lord, give me faith like Mary to respond to you, "let it be with me as you have said."

The Beauty of the Great Outdoors

Psalm 19
For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.

3 There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.

4 Their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,

5 which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.

6 It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is hidden from its heat.

Today was a wonderful day! My parents and a friend of theirs, Trenna, Moayad and I had the opportunity to float down the Guadalupe River on inner tubes. It was so much fun. The water was very cold initially, but once you got used to it, it felt really good. We had a wonderful time relaxing, enjoying the sun and visiting. It was incredible. The sun was shining, reflected off the water like a million shimmering diamonds, the sky was a brilliant blue and the shore was dotted with hundreds of plants and trees of various shades of green. It was absolutely gorgeous! I couldn't help but look around at the beautiful surroundings and be amazed at the glory of God manifest in His creation. He has created all of this for us, for our enjoyment, for His glory. It baffles me that anyone could think that somehow all of this is an accident, the random formation of a cosmic explosion. I can see God's artistry, imagination and glory all around me, if I only take the time to look. I can almost see Him carving out the path of the river with His finger and mounding the earth around its' banks, forming the trees and grass that cover the landscape. I spent time just reflecting on God, His goodness and glory. Since music is one of the ways that God speaks to my heart, the song "God of Wonders" by Third Day came to mind. I spent a good while just humming to myself and thinking about who God is. It was truly divine. And now.....since our sunblock failed miserably, I will be reflecting the heat of God's marvelous creation for days to come :-)

Perfectly and Wonderfully Made

Psalm 139:1-18

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.

Hearing "bad news" about your child is devastating. It brings up tons of questions, fears and "what ifs." Ashtyn is not my child, but we have a special bond nonetheless. I have been with her from the first day of her life. I have cared for her as my own child, spending long sleepless nights when she was sick and countless hours playing with her. I have known for a long time that something was wrong; we all have.......but it wasn't until yesterday when she was diagnosed with autism that the fears were confirmed. Something definitely is wrong. She will need special schooling, speech therapy and dietary adjustments.

However, even in the midst of it all, I can't help but be reminded of the above verses. God does not make mistakes---each of us is created in His image, showing some aspect of his character. While I know the years ahead are going to be difficult, God has a plan in it all.(Jeremiah 29:11) He put this precious baby girl together piece by piece, a beautiful masterpiece, intended to reflect Him and for His glory. She is what she was meant to be and we will have the opportunity to watch and see what God does with this precious child who means more to Him than she does even to us. Now things make more sense.......we know what we're dealing with. We know why she has inappropriate pain responses, we know why she sobs inconsolably every time the dogs bark, we have questions but we also now have some answers.

I have great hope for Ashtyn. My first encounter with autism was in the nursery at my church as a teenager. I watched how the parents of this child handled their daughter. Six years later, as a first grade teacher I was presented with the challenge of an autistic student. I watched as her mother handled her, and I learned a lot. I also connected with that precious little girl in a way one wouldn't expect an autistic child to connect. This gives me great hope for Ashtyn, I know what is possible. I cannot help but believe that God orchestrated these encounters to prepare me for "such a time as this." I am going to be a pediatrician, that is what God has called me to do. And I will be able to provide much needed care for Ashtyn throughout her life. God has ordered and ordained all our steps up to this point and I know He will lead and guide in the days and years to come.

It's still scary, overwhelming and filled with uncertainty.......there have been many tears shed the past two days, many questions as to what happens next, but knowing that God is in control and all His ways are perfect has helped. I cannot imagine how I would deal with this apart from Christ.

My dear sweet Ashtyn

Ashtyn is the youngest of my neices. She is nearly two, but still doesn't talk. She sometimes mimics things you say, but never clearly. Most of the time, she is in her own world. She has a favorite blanket, much as I did when I was a child. She is sweet, beautiful and has a mischevious grin. She loves to take things she isn't supposed to have (the remote, the telephone, car keys, etc.) and run full boar with head thrown back and giggling. This is always our cue that she is into something. Next month she will be moving to Guam.......or maybe not. For months we've been visited by speech therapists and occupational therapists attempting to draw her out and teach her to interact and speak. The interaction has improved some, but still there are concerns. Today, our dear sweet baby girl was diagnosed with moderate autism. While we have no idea how severe it may be at this point, it is definitely a shock. However, it may also place a crimp in their plans. Due to lack of neccessary special care which comes with a hefty price tag, they may be prevented by doctor's orders from going to Guam. I don't know what may lie ahead, but I know that God created Ashtyn and he has a special plan for her........even if autism is part of it.

Customer Service Part II

I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, but it's for real. Cooking oil customer returned again today. Two bags of merchandise drenched in olive oil. After being told money would not be refunded because it was not a complete cash transaction, customer took leaking oil bottles and left. Oil had not even been purchased from our store. My guess, customers' game is up at one or more of the other Walmart stores and there was hope that we might repeat our previous attempt at good customer service. Unfortunately for customer, Game over at our store too.

Customer Service

So, I've been in my new position for about two weeks now. Though I have discovered that they're not really accustomed to having me up there, so finding myself on a register or covering a door is not all that uncommon. Register work I don't mind..........doors are another thing. I almost invariably get placed on the "less-busy" side. This is in some ways a good thing, I don't have to record as many door alarms and process as many returns and in other ways a bad thing. When I don't have anything to do, I get hardcore bored.......then I start talking to myself and when, perchance, a customer does enter/exit the store, they look at me like I'm crazy. Actually I'm not always talking to myself, a good portion of the time I'm talking to God, it just looks funny for someone to be talking when no one else is visibly present.

The service desk itself hasn't been too bad, except when there's a line 20 people deep and I'm working by myself with returns and defective items gathering into what is an attempt at organized chaos. That's been the case multiple times the past couple weeks. Fortunately people have been very patient. Me, I'm very laid back about it all. If you want to make a return, you'll have to wait in line, that's how it is. I'm trying to be as quick as possible, but I'm also not going to rush through and make a costly mistake that jeopardizes my employment.

Just a couple of stories that have helped keep my life interesting. A customer approaches me to make a return, apparently hoping I was born yesterday. No such luck!
Customer: I bought this wireless card and it doesn't fit in my computer, so I want to bring it back (hands me a receipt)
Me: Examing the receipt and barcode, which match. Checking out the package which appears to have been wrapped in saran wrap. Okay, like that even looks close to having not been opened. I pull off said saran wrap and pull the item out of the box. The item has obviously been removed from the package, because the little tab sealing the bag shut has been broken. I check the serial number on the box, it doesn't appear to match the item in the bag, so I remove the item from the plastic covering. The serial #'s do not match. I turn the item over.......it's not even the same brand as the box it is in. "I can't return this, because this is not the item you purchased."
Customer: "That's the way it came. I never even opened the package."
Me: (In my head where no one can hear me) "Am I imagining things? Hello! I listen to everything you say. You already told me it didn't fit into your computer slot.........how would you know that if you hadn't opened it? Also, I know what the seal on electronics items looks like, and
saran wrap certainly ain't it." Out loud: "I'm sorry. I cannot help you, because this is not the correct item. See, it's not even the same brand as the name on the box?"
Customer: Attempting best dumbfounded look possible. "Well if I take it back to the store I got it from can they help me?"
Me: (Feeling a little bold at this point) "Yes. IF you take the item you actually purchased back!"
Customer leaves, with item.

Customer is checked out by me at self-check register with two items. Pays cash part and debit for the remainder. I put both items into the bag, all is well and customer leaves. Not 10 minutes later, same customer returns to customer service with both items and receipt.
Customer: "I just purchased these items here, and when I got to my car, the little seal inside the oil jar was missing and it leaked all over my items and my car."Hands me, items and receipt both drenched in cooking oil.
Me: "I'll have to see if I can pull up the transaction."
Customer: "The receipt is disintegrating because of the oil, but you can still see that I paid cash.I just want to get a refund."
Me: "I'll see what I can do." Receipt cannot be pulled up. At this point the transaction numberthat could be keyed in can no longer be read. "I can't pull up this receipt, but I can have it reprinted."
Customer: "No. I don't have time for that. I'm in a hurry. I have to get my child from daycare right now."
Me: "Well, I can do it as a no receipt return. Do you have your I.D.?"
Customer: "I don't want to do it as a no receipt return. Why should I have it count agaist me, when it's your company's fault the receipt is disintegrating. Don't you have some sort of guarantee on the quality of your products? I want a manager. What about the damage to my car? There's oil all over my seat and I have to give my mom a ride somewhere tomorrow. That's not going to go over well."
Me: "Let me call someone for you."
Manager: "Yes, can I help you?"
Customer: "I want to get a refund for my items, because I paid cash for everything, see (showing manager receipt) you can still see it right here?"
Manager: "Okay."
Customer: "Do you know any good products that will take out oil, because it's all over my car?"
Manager: "I don't know of anything that will get out oil stains." (Offers a couple of suggestions.)
Customer: "Well, what about my money. I paid cash, can't I get my money back?"
Me: "Actually, you only paid 94 cents in cash, and put the rest on your card."
Customer: "No I didn't, I paid cash for the whole thing."
Me: "No, because I checked you out. You handed me 94 cents in cash to make the amount even and then put the rest on your card."
Customer: (Recognition dawning) "Well, then do I need my card? I don't know where it's at?"
Manager: Authorizes refund and leaves
Customer apparently shocked at being caught in her lie, forgets to keep complaining about the car, or perhaps gathering that no one's going to help her out with that, gives up and leaves.

Last but not least, customer is shopping with about 6 other family members. Places wallet in basket and then goes into dressing room to try on clothes. When customer comes back out, no wallet! Now isn't that a surprise? Somehow not one of the other individuals shopping with said customer was anywhere near the shopping cart watching out for the wallet. At the time I left, the wallet was still nowhere to be seen and the cops were coming so customer could file a report...........These are desperate times. I wouldn't be leaving anything that had any form of tender anywhere in sight of anyone, but hey that's just me!

Friends

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

"Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait to hear the answer."- Unknown

"A friend is someone who reaches out for your hand...and touches your heart."- Unknown

"How lucky I am to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to."- Unknown

"Some people come into our lives,leave footprints on our hearts,and we are never the same."- Unknown

I saw a card today that read, "Friends are the family you invite over, after the family who invited themselves over finally leaves." I found that very amusing, but it's true. We all know the saying, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family.

Friends make our life rich. They laugh with us when we're laughing, cry with us when we're crying and give us the strength to get back up when we fall down. They're the ones who come along and tell us the plain truth even when it hurts because they know it's going to hurt worse down the road if they don't tell us. God created us to have friends, we were meant to be in community, not only with Him but also with one another. Even Jesus, God himself in human form, had friends. Friends listen to us and care about what we're telling them, even if they aren't really interested. They help us find our strength when we thought it was gone, and lend us their strength when we are truly spent. Friends are a soft place to land, a sounding board and the ones who tell us to get over ourselves when that's what we need to hear. No price could be set on a friendship, because true friendship is worth more than all the riches this world might offer.

Today was a good-bye party for some of my friends. I hate to say good-bye. It seems so final, and in some ways it is........but there is also a choice. Distance need not separate friends, my move from Montana proved that to be true. I may not see my friends very often, but they are still my friends. And yet it is still bittersweet. There's an excitement and anticipation for what good lies ahead for your friends, the fulfillment of dreams, the evidences of God's goodness in their lives, but also a sorrow at what you will not have. The ability to drop in and say hi, to perchance run across one another someplace, to meet.......these are gone. Phones and e-mail keep us in touch, but there is a separation that is very real. For me, this is always the hardest part. If I had my way, everyone I know and love would be with me always, there would be no such thing as goodbye. I love big. If I give my heart to a friend, I give it all, I always have. And even though it hurts every time someone leaves, I would never want to do it differently. My true friends are the ones I can be myself with without fear. They accept me for who I am despite my flaws and love me anyway.

God is creating a masterpiece in each of us, and I know that many of the colors in mine have come from the friends I have made. Each person adds something to my life that none before or after has. My current friends have walked a tough, but exciting journey with me. They have seen me at my weakest, and been there to support me. They have encouraged me to be the person God created me to be and to live my life completely devoted to Him. And I know that regardless of what the future holds for any of us, we will always be there for one another, even if we can't physically do so.

And so my friends, I say good-bye, but not for good. We will meet again whether in this world or the next. And no matter the distance between us, you will always be near in my heart. Your friendship has meant the world to me and I love you beyond all measure.

Freedom

Proud To Be An American by Lee Greenwood

If tomorrow all the things were gone,

I’d worked for all my life.

And I had to start again,

with just my children and my wife.

I’d thank my lucky stars,

to be livin here today.

‘ Cause the flag still stands for freedom,

and they can’t take that away.

And I’m proud to be an American,

where at least I know I’m free.

And I wont forget the men who died,

who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,

next to you and defend her still today.

‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,

God bless the USA.

From the lakes of Minnesota,

to the hills of Tennessee.

Across the plains of Texas,

From sea to shining sea.

From Detroit down to Houston,

and New York to L.A.

Well there's pride in every American heart,

and its time we stand and say.

That I’m proud to be an American,

where at least I know I’m free.

And I wont forget the men who died,

who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,

next to you and defend her still today.

‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,

God bless the USA.

And I’m proud to be and American,

where at least I know I’m free.

I wont forget the men who died,

who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,

next to you and defend her still today.

‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,

God bless the USA.

Today marks the 232nd birthday of our nation. Today I watched a magnificent firework display. What better use of money can you have than to blow it up?......but I digress. And I also heard the above song. It set me to thinking.

In the past 200 years we have seen many changes occur in our country, some for the better and some for the worse, but one thing has not changed: freedom. Thousands of people have died to preserve that freedom and many more are dying each day to protect that freedom and bring freedom to other countries of this world. I thank God that I have the freedom to worship Him without fear of government retaliation. I thank God that I have the right to vote. I thank God that I have the right to express myself. But most of all, I thank God for the men and women around the world who are defending my freedom and the freedom of others.

Thank you to those who have given their lives for freedom and their families and thank you to those who are fighting to preserve freedom and your families who anxiously await your return.

God is not a vending machine!

Okay, so you put in your 25¢.........oops, that was the good old days, now it’s $1…but that’s a whole different can of worms........., press the button, and (provided the machine is working properly) out comes a cold beverage of your choice. That’s how a lot of people seem to view God, ask Him for what you want and He should deliver despite wind, hail, sleet, snow…like the post office. I have to confess that at times that is how I’ve viewed God. Not that we shouldn’t ask God for things expecting that He will deliver, but it shouldn’t rattle our cage when He delivers in a different manner than we expect. Sometimes, just like a parent God tells us NO! or maybe even that we're going to have to wait.

Luke 11:9-13
So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!

Matthew 6:5-13
"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
"This, then, is how you should pray: " 'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.'

So Luke tells us to ask and we will receive and Matthew clarifies that God already knows what we need before we ask and also how we should pray. I believe that God could deliver a million dollars if I asked Him to…….but I also believe that He knows that I don’t really need a million dollars. It seems to me that what He desires us to ask for and the things He knows we need are a closer walk with Him and a view of our life and world that matches His. Why would I be praying for a million dollars for me, when half-way around the world a mother is simply praying that God will help her make enough money to keep her child from starving to death? Yes as parents we're going to give our child what they ask for if we can or think it's in their best interest. But if I don't have an egg to give my child and I do have pancakes, I'm still going to meet their need.....just not in the way they expected.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that vending machines give us our desire instantaneously and that’s not how God is. God loves us beyond measure and desires the very best for us. I don’t want prayer to ever become a “token” offering. Okay God I’m going to live for you today if you give me what I want….that’s not how it works. I’m going to live for Him every day because I want to please Him and I’m going to try not to ask things out of my own selfishness, but rather to ask for things that will bring Him glory. Additionally, it’s not only about asking........another pitfall I stumble into. I ask God for things all day long, but how much of my day do I take to thank Him for the things He does give me and has given me? How much time do I take to ask his forgiveness for my shortcomings? How much time do I spend just simply praising who He is? Sadly, not enough. It for some reason comes easier to simply pepper Him with requests of things I want all day and expect Him to deliver…….like the soda machine.

Disappointment

Today was the day I have been waiting for and dreading for the past 30 days. I finally got my MCAT scores. I have been anxiously awaiting the verdict of a jury I could not read. The past year and a half have been tough. It has been hard work going to school and working, but every minute has been worth it.

So...........I logged onto the site and found my score. And then I just looked at it, and looked at it, and looked at it some more............18, not near enough the minimum 26 I knew I needed. My heart sank, the kind of sinking where you get a lump in your throat and you don't know whether to puke or cry. I worked really hard, but I know I could have worked harder. I did my best at the point where I was, the only thing now is to make the choice. Do I admit defeat, tuck my tail, drop my head and slink off, throwing away my dreams, or do I buck it up, get back in the saddle and try again?

I had to go back to work, so I logged out of my computer and left. I called a friend and gave her the news. She helped me regain some perspective and encouraged me not to be so hard on myself. I am hard on myself. I hold myself to a standard God himself probably couldn't meet and then beat myself up for every failure. And yet, this is not a failure, admitting defeat and giving up, that would be a failure. This is facing the reality of life. There are speed bumps, there are road blocks, all of which God can use to redirect our attention to where it needs to be, on Him. If He called me to this, then surely He will provide the way for me to do this, right? Right. All I have to do is trust that what He has called me to do is what He has called me to and that He will make a way where there seems to be no way. There's that whole trust thing again......man, am I slow to learn this lesson or what?!

Of course, I'm still disappointed. Who wouldn't be? I can't think of any person who enjoys taking a 5.5 hour test on a computer more than once in a lifetime. :) However, I am determined. I will study harder, I will have an advantage of having already taken the test once and knowing what to expect.......and because I have Christ I will succeed. After all, I can do ALL things through Him. (Philippians 4:13) With His help, next time will give me the score I need, but even if it doesn't, I will persevere.........I will pass. I will be what God has called me to be and no amount of disappointment will deter me as long as I keep my eyes on Him.

Do I still have a job?

The past week since I transferred to Customer Service desk has been a wild one to say the least. I still spend a good deal of time out on the salesfloor at a register, because when it gets busy they pull someone from the service desk if possible to help cut down the lines. I don't mind, I'm happy wherever they put me. However, when they posted the new schedules this week, I couldn't help but notice that my name was absent. I even went back to the previous weeks' schedules and looked for who I came after and who I came before. Then I checked again........nope definitely now there. So, then I had to wonder to myself if perhaps I had done something to get myself fired and no one had mentioned it to me. I've been trying to catch my manager for the past several days to find out what's up with the schedule but she's always been "gone already" or "off for the day." So today after hearing that she wasn't available, yet again, I asked my immediate supervisor. She looked at me shocked and said well I have this weeks' schedule and we'll get with the manager tomorrow to find out about next week. At this point an assistant manager had appeared on the scene and let me know that yes, I still do have a job, it was just that when they changed my job code, I disappeared from the schedule for a week "or so".........whatever that means. Anyhow, it was nice that I checked with the supervisor anyhow, because unbeknownst to me, they had changed my schedule for this week too. So what was posted wasn't really what they wanted me to work......i guess it just never got passed along to me..........i would think that was important, but what do I know?! I was just relieved to know I hadn't committed some horrible mistake that had cost me my job. I might have lay down on the floor and cried right there.

Boundaries

Boundaries are an essential part of life, but I really suck at setting them and enforcing them. I try, but sometimes it just seems that it would be so much easier not to have them. Ultimately I know this isn't true because then I wouldn't feel safe and I would be a victim of my own lack of boundary setting. In reality coming up with the boundaries I want to have isn't so hard, because I really already know what those are, what the limits of my "safety" are. It's just really hard for me to spit them out, because I'm afraid of hurting someone or not being the best example of Christ that I can be, or of people being mad at me..........Why do I have to make it so complicated? Obviously since I'm having this discussion with myself, I am having a boundary issue. I set some boundaries with a friend a while back because I was experiencing anxiety in the friendship and not really wanting to be friends. However, this person is also not a Christian and I have been taking him to church with me every week because he asks to go. Okay, that's fine. For a while things were going pretty good with the boundaries, he was respecting them and I was feeling good about the way things were going and then something happened. He experienced a tragedy in his life and I was worried about him, so I kind of loosened up on my boundary issue. Well, now we're beyond that and I don't know how to regroup for sure. It's to the point that he's more or less making fun of the boundaries I've set and trying to push the envelope. And, if we're going to be perfectly honest, it's pissing me off............But now because I loosened up I'm afraid it's going to be harder to firm up again. However, I know I need to because I'm really unhappy and don't even want to see this person, which I don't think is what God would want. I still want to be a good example of Christ and would love for this person to make a personal decision to follow Christ, but I'm really having a hard time right now. I guess I have a hard time drawing the line between where witnessing ends and letting someone know you mean business begins. God grant me patience, peace, your love.............and wisdom to know what to do.

Understanding Empathy

This last year I served as a safe-keeper for the Divorce Care for Kids group at my church. My heart aches for these children......so young and facing such huge things. Suffering the consequences of choices they didn't make, but now have to live with. I know what that feels like and I would do anything to keep them from having to walk that path, but even in our human brokenness God has a plan. As my family prepares to move to Guam I am trying to be perceptive to how my neices are feeling and dealing with my own emotions as well. The other day when I came home from work the grandfather clock and the hall tree that have been there for the past 2 1/2 years were absent. In preparation for their move, my sister and brother-in-law have decided to sell some of their belongings because they can't take them all with them and would prefer not to store them. However, it was very odd, I walked into the house and two items were just gone.....nowhere to be seen, with very little indication that they had ever even been there. The reality of their moving is being evidenced by daily changes in our living environment. How much more so the child of divorce, left with not only missing furniture, toys, friends, etc. but also with people who are suddenly absent or seen infrequently. In my own adult world, I was able to be reminded of how it feels to suddenly lose something and it broke my heart all the more for these beautiful babies whom God loves that are experiencing losses they should never have to experience.