Disappointment

Today was the day I have been waiting for and dreading for the past 30 days. I finally got my MCAT scores. I have been anxiously awaiting the verdict of a jury I could not read. The past year and a half have been tough. It has been hard work going to school and working, but every minute has been worth it.

So...........I logged onto the site and found my score. And then I just looked at it, and looked at it, and looked at it some more............18, not near enough the minimum 26 I knew I needed. My heart sank, the kind of sinking where you get a lump in your throat and you don't know whether to puke or cry. I worked really hard, but I know I could have worked harder. I did my best at the point where I was, the only thing now is to make the choice. Do I admit defeat, tuck my tail, drop my head and slink off, throwing away my dreams, or do I buck it up, get back in the saddle and try again?

I had to go back to work, so I logged out of my computer and left. I called a friend and gave her the news. She helped me regain some perspective and encouraged me not to be so hard on myself. I am hard on myself. I hold myself to a standard God himself probably couldn't meet and then beat myself up for every failure. And yet, this is not a failure, admitting defeat and giving up, that would be a failure. This is facing the reality of life. There are speed bumps, there are road blocks, all of which God can use to redirect our attention to where it needs to be, on Him. If He called me to this, then surely He will provide the way for me to do this, right? Right. All I have to do is trust that what He has called me to do is what He has called me to and that He will make a way where there seems to be no way. There's that whole trust thing again......man, am I slow to learn this lesson or what?!

Of course, I'm still disappointed. Who wouldn't be? I can't think of any person who enjoys taking a 5.5 hour test on a computer more than once in a lifetime. :) However, I am determined. I will study harder, I will have an advantage of having already taken the test once and knowing what to expect.......and because I have Christ I will succeed. After all, I can do ALL things through Him. (Philippians 4:13) With His help, next time will give me the score I need, but even if it doesn't, I will persevere.........I will pass. I will be what God has called me to be and no amount of disappointment will deter me as long as I keep my eyes on Him.

Do I still have a job?

The past week since I transferred to Customer Service desk has been a wild one to say the least. I still spend a good deal of time out on the salesfloor at a register, because when it gets busy they pull someone from the service desk if possible to help cut down the lines. I don't mind, I'm happy wherever they put me. However, when they posted the new schedules this week, I couldn't help but notice that my name was absent. I even went back to the previous weeks' schedules and looked for who I came after and who I came before. Then I checked again........nope definitely now there. So, then I had to wonder to myself if perhaps I had done something to get myself fired and no one had mentioned it to me. I've been trying to catch my manager for the past several days to find out what's up with the schedule but she's always been "gone already" or "off for the day." So today after hearing that she wasn't available, yet again, I asked my immediate supervisor. She looked at me shocked and said well I have this weeks' schedule and we'll get with the manager tomorrow to find out about next week. At this point an assistant manager had appeared on the scene and let me know that yes, I still do have a job, it was just that when they changed my job code, I disappeared from the schedule for a week "or so".........whatever that means. Anyhow, it was nice that I checked with the supervisor anyhow, because unbeknownst to me, they had changed my schedule for this week too. So what was posted wasn't really what they wanted me to work......i guess it just never got passed along to me..........i would think that was important, but what do I know?! I was just relieved to know I hadn't committed some horrible mistake that had cost me my job. I might have lay down on the floor and cried right there.

Boundaries

Boundaries are an essential part of life, but I really suck at setting them and enforcing them. I try, but sometimes it just seems that it would be so much easier not to have them. Ultimately I know this isn't true because then I wouldn't feel safe and I would be a victim of my own lack of boundary setting. In reality coming up with the boundaries I want to have isn't so hard, because I really already know what those are, what the limits of my "safety" are. It's just really hard for me to spit them out, because I'm afraid of hurting someone or not being the best example of Christ that I can be, or of people being mad at me..........Why do I have to make it so complicated? Obviously since I'm having this discussion with myself, I am having a boundary issue. I set some boundaries with a friend a while back because I was experiencing anxiety in the friendship and not really wanting to be friends. However, this person is also not a Christian and I have been taking him to church with me every week because he asks to go. Okay, that's fine. For a while things were going pretty good with the boundaries, he was respecting them and I was feeling good about the way things were going and then something happened. He experienced a tragedy in his life and I was worried about him, so I kind of loosened up on my boundary issue. Well, now we're beyond that and I don't know how to regroup for sure. It's to the point that he's more or less making fun of the boundaries I've set and trying to push the envelope. And, if we're going to be perfectly honest, it's pissing me off............But now because I loosened up I'm afraid it's going to be harder to firm up again. However, I know I need to because I'm really unhappy and don't even want to see this person, which I don't think is what God would want. I still want to be a good example of Christ and would love for this person to make a personal decision to follow Christ, but I'm really having a hard time right now. I guess I have a hard time drawing the line between where witnessing ends and letting someone know you mean business begins. God grant me patience, peace, your love.............and wisdom to know what to do.

Understanding Empathy

This last year I served as a safe-keeper for the Divorce Care for Kids group at my church. My heart aches for these children......so young and facing such huge things. Suffering the consequences of choices they didn't make, but now have to live with. I know what that feels like and I would do anything to keep them from having to walk that path, but even in our human brokenness God has a plan. As my family prepares to move to Guam I am trying to be perceptive to how my neices are feeling and dealing with my own emotions as well. The other day when I came home from work the grandfather clock and the hall tree that have been there for the past 2 1/2 years were absent. In preparation for their move, my sister and brother-in-law have decided to sell some of their belongings because they can't take them all with them and would prefer not to store them. However, it was very odd, I walked into the house and two items were just gone.....nowhere to be seen, with very little indication that they had ever even been there. The reality of their moving is being evidenced by daily changes in our living environment. How much more so the child of divorce, left with not only missing furniture, toys, friends, etc. but also with people who are suddenly absent or seen infrequently. In my own adult world, I was able to be reminded of how it feels to suddenly lose something and it broke my heart all the more for these beautiful babies whom God loves that are experiencing losses they should never have to experience.

Growing pains

Change is not something I like or always know how to deal with in the best manner. And yet, change is a fact of life. Indeed it’s during these times of uncertainty and change though that I grow most in my faith. I guess when everything is going along smoothly I feel safe. And though that’s not always a bad thing, I have a tendency to become self-reliant in my “safety.” Not that I think I don’t need God, but I don’t tend to rely on Him fully for everything in my life. Since God knows me more intimately than any person ever could, He knows my tendencies and every so often has to “get my attention.” It’s that time again. In the next couple months, I will be moving to I don’t know where, I will be living with I don’t know who……and I’m panicking. On the exterior I maintain my calm, no one would guess the internal turmoil I feel day and night. It’s not that I don’t have any options…….it’s just that I feel frozen. I don’t know which option to take, I don’t even know the time frame I’m looking at and I’m completely out of control of this situation. Out of control……not a feeling I enjoy. Not that I’m in control of anything ultimately, but I like to think that I’ve at least got a plan, now I don’t even have that. To compound things several people whom I love dearly are going to be leaving, not that I won’t ever see them again……it’s just that I’ve enjoyed having them around for so long and now I don’t know when I’ll see them again. Thinking about it makes me sad, and so I try not to think about it, but inevitably the day will come and I will have to face the facts—denial will not help me in the end. My dear friend and her family are moving half-way across the country. My two nieces whom I adore beyond all else are moving half-way around the world. I am at a loss as for what to do. It’s not that I don’t have other friends or people here who I love and can depend on; it’s just that I feel a loss…..a deep loss. My eldest niece calls me her “best friend.” Granted she’s only three with a long life of good friends ahead, but we adore one another and spend as much time as possible together. Now they’re going to be gone and I’m not sure what to think….I try not to think to alleviate the pain, but as the days loom ever closer I don’t even know how to do that any more. If I smile, no one knows what’s going on inside, I can hide it from everyone, except God. He sees beyond the mask I put on to fool others and hide the truth of the struggle going on within. And so, once again, I find myself at that place…not knowing what lies ahead, but knowing that God is in control and I must trust Him. In all the years of people coming and going, He is the only one who has remained constant and He is the only one who will remain constant in the coming years.

Honesty

Well, it’s official. I’m now a service desk employee. It’s exciting, but it’s also a bit unnerving. I was so happy when my manager told me that I had been given the position, but I was also a bit scared. I don’t know why……I know I’ll be fine, I guess it’s just the change; and the inevitable conflict. I’ve already had a run-in with a customer and a manager and haven’t even officially assumed the position until Saturday. I also attended a new Bible study for the first time. The lesson was on lying and was very convicting. I know that lying is wrong, but there are times when I lie and feel like I can justify it. I hadn’t ever really thought about it deeply, but when I tell someone I’m fine even when I don’t really feel fine that is lying. Sometimes it’s just the easy way out……..if I think someone doesn’t really care or I don’t feel like talking about it, I’ll just say I’m fine. Most people don’t challenge that, which reinforces my false belief that people don’t really care. While there are some people that ask just to get the answer, ‘fine;’ there are people who truly care. However, to tell someone I’m fine when I’m not is still a lie. God doesn’t rate our lies as big, small, white, whatever………a lie is a lie and He detests lying! I have lots of excuses for why I lie: to protect myself, to avoid conflict, to avoid having to be honest with myself about how I am truly feeling. But regardless of any excuse…..it’s still wrong. Rather than telling someone I’m fine when I’m not, it would be better to be honest and either tell them what’s bothering me (it can be done briefly) or just tell them I’m having a rough day and don’t feel like talking about it at the time. That would be honest……if they get offended because I don’t want to talk about it, that’s their problem, not mine. As far as conflict goes, I have to get over that too. Conflict is a part of life and I think that perhaps this experience in customer service may help me get over that timidity as well. God can give me grace to deal with conflict in a manner pleasing to Him and without lying to sweeten things up or try to diffuse the situation. The deal is: lying is not pleasing to God under any circumstance or for any reason. And it causes larger problems ultimately. The little lies I tell require bigger, more elaborate lies to cover up. Why not just face the truth and be honest with myself and with others? It’s going to be tough at first, but it will feel better and the more I do it, the easier it will get. God please give me the courage to choose to tell the truth all the time. You are the TRUTH and in order to be more like you, I must tell the truth, but I also know that I cannot do it on my own. Please help me!

Life's Ambition

I have been “shadowing” a pediatric rehabilitation doctor for about a month now. It is a phenomenal experience! I have never felt this way about any anything, except maybe Africa. I love it! When it’s time to leave each time, I am so bummed. He is an amazing physician and an excellent teacher. He always explains everything to me and has allowed me to actively participate in his examinations, listening to what a heart murmur sounds like; feeling what clonus in the muscles is like; seeing the positive outcomes that can be. I have learned so much in such a brief time and it has encouraged me that this is truly what God has called me to. It’s amazing! All the hard work I have put in and have yet to put in will be worth it in the end. In my heart I knew this, but it’s so nice to get the experience and know that what my heart believes is actually true.

The fight with fear

Frustrated, that would be a good word to sum up today. Or maybe tired, overwhelmed and stressed out……but frustrated seems to cover all those things. I’m learning a new area of my store right now. It’s scary…..I like to learn to do new things, but I also struggle with my perfectionist tendencies. It’s new, I’m not perfect at it (not that I’m perfect at anything), but the tried and true is much more familiar. I ask a million questions (most likely making everyone insane), but I want to know that I’m not doing something that will get me fired or cost the company a lot of money. When someone else is there it’s not so intimidating because I have back-up….I can ask a question if I’m unsure. It’s the times when I’m all alone that I feel so nervous. I think I’m too slow, the lines are always getting backed up, but then again, I’m by myself. Things take time. It’s when you’re careless and not thorough that many mistakes occur. I don’t like to make mistakes. Most people are patient, most. I also really want to prove to my managers that I can do this, they believe in me enough to give me a chance and I don’t want to let them down. Training is a bit slow because most of the time I’m by myself. I can’t ask questions when I’m by myself. Tonight, the service desk was a disaster. There were piles of things that had been returned and thrown on counters all day long. Granted I had contributed to a portion of the mess, though I had tried very hard to deal with each item as quickly as possible. But as I looked at the mountains of returns all around me I couldn’t help but sigh. (I thought about crying, but figured that might not be the best approach.J)I didn’t even know for sure what I was supposed to do to close the service desk. The lights were off but people still kept coming, oblivious to the (what I considered obvious) sign that we were closed. I did my best to sort the items how I thought they were supposed to be sorted. I tried to take care of the claims, but it was kind of like the blind leading the blind………I honestly had no idea what to do and my shift was well over. I don’t mind staying long, that is never really an issue for me, but it was frustrating not knowing what to do and what I HAD to do before I could leave. I finished the claims, hopefully I did that right……..my perfectionism rears its’ ugly head again and signed off for the night. As I think about it, I find myself wondering………why? Why do I doubt myself so often when people have more confidence in my abilities than I do myself? Why do I struggle so much with trusting that God believes in me more than I believe in myself? Why is it so easy to buy into the lie of Satan that I’m not good enough or am going to disappoint someone? Of course I’m going to disappoint someone at some point, I’m human, it happens. Why do I so fear disappointing myself? I am a child of God, created in His image…..His image (like a reflection of who HE is) I know that, but why is it so hard to believe that? Where is the disconnect between my heart and my head, I’ve been searching for it a long time. My thinking has been so long ingrained with knowing that fact, but not really believing it, that I am locked in a war for my heart and mind. Interestingly enough we have been talking about this at church. Go figure. It's not that I haven't heard these things before, it just seems I'm a bit slow to learn the lesson sometimes. So how do I change these tendencies? By changing the way I think. How do I change the way I think? It can only be accomplished by daily taking EVERY thought captive to the obedience of Christ, by choosing to believe that I am who He says I am and rejecting every thought that contradicts that belief. I know it’s not going to be easy, but in this case I also know I’m not alone……God is right there next to me, walking this path and I won’t drive Him insane by asking a million questions.