Exhaustion

Today was a reality check. I am exhausted, physically, mentally, emotionally.........I'm done. I woke up late, not late for anything in particular, but just late in general for me. My body hurts, every inch of it, just aches constantly. I sleep on ice and live on over the counter pain killers.........lovely I know.

I'm mostly moved. The mountain of stuff that used to be sitting in my bedroom, is now piled in the new room I have taken residence in. But all my clothes and personal items are here for one more night. Tomorrow I will take the rest of my belongings to my new place and Friday is my official first day living there. And the timing couldn't be better, things are mounting here like a volcano about to erupt and I don't want to be here when that goes down. I have no energy to play peacemaker, protector, or antyhing of that sort.

I'm failing my summer class. I'm so behind in my reading, I've quit. What's the point? I've tried to keep up and I can't. Now I'm just trying to squeak by. I study the material that's presented in class, but nothing is sticking right now. When I actually get to sit down and study I usually fall asleep on my book..........not terribly productive.

And, just to be the icing on the cake, today, I was 2 1/2 hours late to work. Yeah, it was great. I had no idea I was even late until the manager called me at 2 and told me I was supposed to be there at 12. I've been working 4-11 for the past 14 days, and so I just "remembered" it as 4-11 again. I wrote my schedule down..........somewhere........but in the midst of moving, I couldn't find it if I wanted to and I forgot to look at the schedule before I left last night. I was so embarrassed and frustrated..........I just got in my car and left for work. I felt awful, I just cried because I didn't know what else to do.

I honestly feel like I'm coming apart at the seams......I can't imagine how anyone outside of Christ deals with this. We've been in a sermon series at church about Psalm 23. It's a good thing I've got a shepherd, because I'd be a mess otherwise. I don't see a path out, or through, or any direction at this point, but I just keep looking up, because I know HE knows the way and all I have to do is follow.

It's moving day........

Okay, so last week's moving day didn't work out so well. Torrential rain and hurricanes touching down in the vicinity are not really conducive to moving one's personal belongings. So.........today I'm trying again. It's the middle of the night, and I should be asleep, but I'm not. Instead I'm awake..........listening to Makya's coughing, the otherwise still night, the ceiling fan and the click of the keys as I type. My room for the past 2 and 1/2 years consists of boxes, tubs and disassembled furniture. There is a pile of things on one side of the bed with which I've been sleeping the past several days. There's just not been a place to stick them yet, and so they sit and wait for me to find the perfect place to stuff them. The dresser is empty, the walls bare.......the familiar has become unfamiliar. Today, my stuff will be in my new "home." At least most of it, I won't officially move in for another couple days, but my stuff will be there so that at least that aspect will be covered. There's the pile of things that need to be tossed, the pile of things that are getting donated, the pile of things I don't know what to do with and the pile of things that just need to be sorted into one of the other piles. I'm ready to get the clutter out of my room and set things up so they can once again serve a functional purpose beside getting in my way. And so, barring any unforseen inclement weather, in a few hours, I'll be moving.

Moving

I was supposed to move some things from my current house to my "new" house today.........but it never happened. I did manage to reduce the majority of the contents of my room to a stack of plastic bins and cardboard boxes on one side of the room, but there they sit. One box and a piano bench made it down stairs but that was it.......it rained today, really hard. I began packing this morning, hoping that it might let up long enough for me to transport a few items. However, by the time I had disassembled the piano and hauled some boxes to the stairs, it was pouring. The neighbor's house appeared to have waterfall rushing out of the gutter due to the heavy rains. So, the boxes got dragged back to my bedroom and stacked against one wall. Makya was very curious.........."Ya-Ya! What are you doing with your stuff?"........"I'm moving. I'm going to live in a different house soon."..........."Oh........." She's only three, she doesn't get it yet. She can't make that concrete connection that things are changing. Soon however, she will understand.

I am ready in some ways, but in others am not. I'm going from a house of constant noise and distractions, to a place that is very quiet. I'm excited and scared and confused and sad and anxious and a host of other emotions all at once. It will be really nice to have a quiet place to study, maybe I can help the grade point average I'm currently destroying over the summer. But I don't know the people I'm moving in with very well. I don't know for sure what to expect of them or what their expectations of me will be. I'm going to miss the girls......I don't know how long this arrangement will be available or how long I'll need it to be.......Most of all, I don't feel in control of anything. And, for a person who likes to think she's in control, even though she ultimately knows she's not, feeling no sense of control scares me.

This evening at work I had the opportunity to sit outside, by myself for several minutes of my lunch break. It was actually very nice. The weather was cool because it had been raining, it was getting dark outside and there were not many people out. It was so strange to have near silence, but it was really nice. I think I might enjoy the quiet aspect of my new living arrangements. God has been working something out in me for a long time, and unfortunately I am very slow at some lessons, so I'm still working on it. Proverbs 3:5-6 have been key verses for my life for several years now. I think because it's so contrary to how I naturally am inclined to be. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." It's back to the Mary vs. Zechariah discussion I had the other day. It's not about what I know or don't know, it's about trusting God enough to follow His path even when I have no idea where I'm going. He will make my path straight......He doesn't promise to show me the whole path, He doesn't promise there won't be hill/potholes/detours, He doesn't promise me that I'm going to like the path........He does promise that it will be straight. A straight path is easy to follow, you can't get lost. I once heard a sermon illustration that has stuck with me. I remind myself of it, every time I'm having a hard time. The pastor said that trusting God is like driving down a dark road, you know the kind of dark where the only light you have is your headlights. You can only see as far ahead as your headlights reach........you have no idea what is ahead on the road, but you keep driving and with each little bit you travel, more of the road gets revealed. So............now even though I'm overwhelmed with everything I'm choosing to trust. After all, it is a straight path and my shepherd is leading. =)

The heart of a child

I spent another amazing day "shadowing" a local pediatric rehabilitation doctor. Every time I go and watch him I am amazed at how much information he just has stored up in his head and how good he is a what he does. I had the opportunity to see many different cases today. We started out doing rounds with patients in the pediatric ward at one hospital. Then we saw patients at the weekly burn clinic. From there we moved to the other hospital he works at and saw patients in the spasticity clinic. Finally, we did rounds in the pediatric ward of that hospital.

Each case was interesting and has a story behind it. However, there was one in particular that struck me. I met the sweetest little girl. She is beautiful, and has spent the majority of her short life in and out of the hospital. This sweet child has undergone multiple surgeries and likely has more in her future. While she has plenty of reasons to feel sorry for herself, she doesn't. In fact she considers herself very fortunate. She is aware of the world around her. Even though I had to do things during her examination that caused her pain, when we were finished she gave me a huge hug and played high five "Up high, down low........too slow." And as we talked she told me about a commercial she had seen on TV for Feed the Children. She told me that she had been so upset when she saw the commercial that she cried and begged her mom to let her sponsor a child. So now, even with a variety of health issues that make her life very difficult........she works every week to earn the money to sponsor this child herself. It's not her mother.......it's her choice. She earns the money and she chooses how she is going to spend it.

It was a beautiful thing! I was reminded of the verses in the Bible where Jesus talks about being like a child.
Matthew 18:1-5 At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, ‘Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?’ He called a child, whom he put among them, and said, ‘Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.

I think this must be a perfect example of that child heart that Jesus Christ loves. Children are so sweet. They love unconditionally, even those that hurt them. Children know no hate or prejudice until they learn these things from the people around them. They are quick to forgive an offense and are extremely trusting. They believe the best of you even when they don't always see your best. If you tell them something is true, they will accept it as such and fight anyone who attempts to contradict that "truth." And today, I believe that God used a child to show me who He is.

Change can be good, but it's not always easy

Makya, is my eldest niece. She is full of life, energy and love. She is a "princess" by her own declaration and loves dresses, fingernail polish, hair bows, and shoes....not at all like me when I was a child. [And if we're honest, not much like me now either! :)] She was born the year I nearly died; and while I was fighting for my life, my sister was on bed-rest fighting for Makya's. I have been near her since the the day she was born, and for the past 3 years, have had the privilege of living with her. I originally started out as her nanny prior to returning to school. When she was learning to talk, she called me Amy only once at about one year of age.......then it was Ya-Ya, a name she deemed suitable for me. Since that point, I have been her Ya-Ya. "Ya-Ya, where are you?" "Ya-Ya, I sure miss you." "Ya-Ya, you done with your school?" "Ya-Ya, you done with your work?"......"Yaaaaa-Yaaaaaa" late at night when she hears me come in from work and wants to say goodnight. She comes to me for comfort when she is hurt or sick, she yells with delight when she sees me somewhere. We have a special bond, unlike any I have ever felt. I would do anything for her......lay down my life to protect her from harm. We have a relationship much like that of a mother and child, even though she is not physically my child. Makya and I go everywhere together as much as is possible. We adore one another. Things are about to change radically for both of us, though not as radically as was initially planned. Guam is definitely out........the therapy Ashtyn needs is not available there. I am very relieved, I must admit. Three years without seeing much of the girls was not something I was looking forward to. However, there is also an air of uncertainty. Guam is not an option, now it comes down to the military finding a base that offers the needed therapy and also has an available position for my brother-in-law. They will most likely be headed somewhere, it is just uncertain as to where or even when. I in the meantime am moving. It is possible the family will be stationed here another year, but I am still moving. I have been offered a room at a friends' house that they will rent to me and I am moving in at the end of this month. For the sake of Makya and myself, I think this will be best. With a small separation where we can still see one another, Makya will be able to better adapt to not having me around all the time. And I, will be able to adapt to not having her around all the time. It is not an enjoyable thought, though I knew the day would come sooner or later. I feel as though I'm losing a part of myself, like a parent watching their child go out into the big, wide world. I can't imagine life without her, to be honest I haven't wanted to. But in reality I know it is also for the best. Finding time to study has been difficult, the girls want my attention; I'm a free babysitting service, permanently on call. The reality of pursuing medical school, working and continuing this pattern is not realistic. However, it is still a difficult transition......I find myself treasuring every moment with Makya even more and crying a lot. This is an odd thing for me because I'm usually very in control of my emotions and it's not like I'm never going to see her again. I am not losing the relationship like I did when my grammy died, but it IS going to change. And that change is what makes me sad. I don't even know how to put words to it.....there is just a deep sadness that fills me when I think about it. Since in 11 days we won't be living together any more, I guess it's time to think about it........and I should probably start packing too. :)

God knows the heart

I began reading Luke today and was struck again by Mary's response to the angel when he tells her she is going to bear the Son of God. I can't imagine what that must have been like. Knowing how she would be looked upon as an unwed pregnant girl, the only question she has is "how can this be, since I am a virgin?" And after receiving an answer, no more questions, just "let it be with me according to your word." That is amazing to me! She had to be scared, nervous, wondering what Joseph was going to say/do/think........after all, they stoned pregnant unwed girls in those days. Just, "let it be." But that must have been why she was chosen by God, He already knew she would accept the task. He knew she would brave the ridicule and take the risk for Him. He knew in her heart of hearts that she trusted Him completely. She was an integral part of His perfect plan, destined for the purpose of bringing His Son into the world to bring about the forgiveness of my sins. It's awesome to think about.

In stark contrast, we have Zechariah, a priest in the temple of God. He is in the sanctuary when the angel Gabriel appears to tell him about the birth of his future son, John. He asks, "how will I know that this is so? For I am an old man and my wife is getting on in years." Unlike Mary's, question, Zechariah's is more of a disbelief. How do I know what you say is true? Like seeing an angel in the temple of God and having him talk to you isn't enough proof! I notice that the angel reproves Zechariah for his question as disbelief, whereas Mary does not receive the same correction. Mary believed, she just didn't understand how it was possible....Zechariah didn't believe, he wanted another sign that God was really going to do this. This also amazes me, how could a priest who is in the presence of God, or at least as close as you could get in those days, not believe an angel? He had prayed all his life for this........had he just given up hope?

It's challenging to me. I want to respond to God like Mary, trusting Him completely and not worried about anything/anyone around me and how they will react. But honestly, I find myself at times being more like Zechariah, questioning, trying to work it all out in my small little mind. God never promised to show me the whole plan ahead of time, He simply asks that I follow His plan and trust that in the end it will all be for the good. Lord, give me faith like Mary to respond to you, "let it be with me as you have said."

The Beauty of the Great Outdoors

Psalm 19
For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.

3 There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.

4 Their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,

5 which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.

6 It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is hidden from its heat.

Today was a wonderful day! My parents and a friend of theirs, Trenna, Moayad and I had the opportunity to float down the Guadalupe River on inner tubes. It was so much fun. The water was very cold initially, but once you got used to it, it felt really good. We had a wonderful time relaxing, enjoying the sun and visiting. It was incredible. The sun was shining, reflected off the water like a million shimmering diamonds, the sky was a brilliant blue and the shore was dotted with hundreds of plants and trees of various shades of green. It was absolutely gorgeous! I couldn't help but look around at the beautiful surroundings and be amazed at the glory of God manifest in His creation. He has created all of this for us, for our enjoyment, for His glory. It baffles me that anyone could think that somehow all of this is an accident, the random formation of a cosmic explosion. I can see God's artistry, imagination and glory all around me, if I only take the time to look. I can almost see Him carving out the path of the river with His finger and mounding the earth around its' banks, forming the trees and grass that cover the landscape. I spent time just reflecting on God, His goodness and glory. Since music is one of the ways that God speaks to my heart, the song "God of Wonders" by Third Day came to mind. I spent a good while just humming to myself and thinking about who God is. It was truly divine. And now.....since our sunblock failed miserably, I will be reflecting the heat of God's marvelous creation for days to come :-)

Perfectly and Wonderfully Made

Psalm 139:1-18

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.

Hearing "bad news" about your child is devastating. It brings up tons of questions, fears and "what ifs." Ashtyn is not my child, but we have a special bond nonetheless. I have been with her from the first day of her life. I have cared for her as my own child, spending long sleepless nights when she was sick and countless hours playing with her. I have known for a long time that something was wrong; we all have.......but it wasn't until yesterday when she was diagnosed with autism that the fears were confirmed. Something definitely is wrong. She will need special schooling, speech therapy and dietary adjustments.

However, even in the midst of it all, I can't help but be reminded of the above verses. God does not make mistakes---each of us is created in His image, showing some aspect of his character. While I know the years ahead are going to be difficult, God has a plan in it all.(Jeremiah 29:11) He put this precious baby girl together piece by piece, a beautiful masterpiece, intended to reflect Him and for His glory. She is what she was meant to be and we will have the opportunity to watch and see what God does with this precious child who means more to Him than she does even to us. Now things make more sense.......we know what we're dealing with. We know why she has inappropriate pain responses, we know why she sobs inconsolably every time the dogs bark, we have questions but we also now have some answers.

I have great hope for Ashtyn. My first encounter with autism was in the nursery at my church as a teenager. I watched how the parents of this child handled their daughter. Six years later, as a first grade teacher I was presented with the challenge of an autistic student. I watched as her mother handled her, and I learned a lot. I also connected with that precious little girl in a way one wouldn't expect an autistic child to connect. This gives me great hope for Ashtyn, I know what is possible. I cannot help but believe that God orchestrated these encounters to prepare me for "such a time as this." I am going to be a pediatrician, that is what God has called me to do. And I will be able to provide much needed care for Ashtyn throughout her life. God has ordered and ordained all our steps up to this point and I know He will lead and guide in the days and years to come.

It's still scary, overwhelming and filled with uncertainty.......there have been many tears shed the past two days, many questions as to what happens next, but knowing that God is in control and all His ways are perfect has helped. I cannot imagine how I would deal with this apart from Christ.

My dear sweet Ashtyn

Ashtyn is the youngest of my neices. She is nearly two, but still doesn't talk. She sometimes mimics things you say, but never clearly. Most of the time, she is in her own world. She has a favorite blanket, much as I did when I was a child. She is sweet, beautiful and has a mischevious grin. She loves to take things she isn't supposed to have (the remote, the telephone, car keys, etc.) and run full boar with head thrown back and giggling. This is always our cue that she is into something. Next month she will be moving to Guam.......or maybe not. For months we've been visited by speech therapists and occupational therapists attempting to draw her out and teach her to interact and speak. The interaction has improved some, but still there are concerns. Today, our dear sweet baby girl was diagnosed with moderate autism. While we have no idea how severe it may be at this point, it is definitely a shock. However, it may also place a crimp in their plans. Due to lack of neccessary special care which comes with a hefty price tag, they may be prevented by doctor's orders from going to Guam. I don't know what may lie ahead, but I know that God created Ashtyn and he has a special plan for her........even if autism is part of it.

Customer Service Part II

I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, but it's for real. Cooking oil customer returned again today. Two bags of merchandise drenched in olive oil. After being told money would not be refunded because it was not a complete cash transaction, customer took leaking oil bottles and left. Oil had not even been purchased from our store. My guess, customers' game is up at one or more of the other Walmart stores and there was hope that we might repeat our previous attempt at good customer service. Unfortunately for customer, Game over at our store too.

Customer Service

So, I've been in my new position for about two weeks now. Though I have discovered that they're not really accustomed to having me up there, so finding myself on a register or covering a door is not all that uncommon. Register work I don't mind..........doors are another thing. I almost invariably get placed on the "less-busy" side. This is in some ways a good thing, I don't have to record as many door alarms and process as many returns and in other ways a bad thing. When I don't have anything to do, I get hardcore bored.......then I start talking to myself and when, perchance, a customer does enter/exit the store, they look at me like I'm crazy. Actually I'm not always talking to myself, a good portion of the time I'm talking to God, it just looks funny for someone to be talking when no one else is visibly present.

The service desk itself hasn't been too bad, except when there's a line 20 people deep and I'm working by myself with returns and defective items gathering into what is an attempt at organized chaos. That's been the case multiple times the past couple weeks. Fortunately people have been very patient. Me, I'm very laid back about it all. If you want to make a return, you'll have to wait in line, that's how it is. I'm trying to be as quick as possible, but I'm also not going to rush through and make a costly mistake that jeopardizes my employment.

Just a couple of stories that have helped keep my life interesting. A customer approaches me to make a return, apparently hoping I was born yesterday. No such luck!
Customer: I bought this wireless card and it doesn't fit in my computer, so I want to bring it back (hands me a receipt)
Me: Examing the receipt and barcode, which match. Checking out the package which appears to have been wrapped in saran wrap. Okay, like that even looks close to having not been opened. I pull off said saran wrap and pull the item out of the box. The item has obviously been removed from the package, because the little tab sealing the bag shut has been broken. I check the serial number on the box, it doesn't appear to match the item in the bag, so I remove the item from the plastic covering. The serial #'s do not match. I turn the item over.......it's not even the same brand as the box it is in. "I can't return this, because this is not the item you purchased."
Customer: "That's the way it came. I never even opened the package."
Me: (In my head where no one can hear me) "Am I imagining things? Hello! I listen to everything you say. You already told me it didn't fit into your computer slot.........how would you know that if you hadn't opened it? Also, I know what the seal on electronics items looks like, and
saran wrap certainly ain't it." Out loud: "I'm sorry. I cannot help you, because this is not the correct item. See, it's not even the same brand as the name on the box?"
Customer: Attempting best dumbfounded look possible. "Well if I take it back to the store I got it from can they help me?"
Me: (Feeling a little bold at this point) "Yes. IF you take the item you actually purchased back!"
Customer leaves, with item.

Customer is checked out by me at self-check register with two items. Pays cash part and debit for the remainder. I put both items into the bag, all is well and customer leaves. Not 10 minutes later, same customer returns to customer service with both items and receipt.
Customer: "I just purchased these items here, and when I got to my car, the little seal inside the oil jar was missing and it leaked all over my items and my car."Hands me, items and receipt both drenched in cooking oil.
Me: "I'll have to see if I can pull up the transaction."
Customer: "The receipt is disintegrating because of the oil, but you can still see that I paid cash.I just want to get a refund."
Me: "I'll see what I can do." Receipt cannot be pulled up. At this point the transaction numberthat could be keyed in can no longer be read. "I can't pull up this receipt, but I can have it reprinted."
Customer: "No. I don't have time for that. I'm in a hurry. I have to get my child from daycare right now."
Me: "Well, I can do it as a no receipt return. Do you have your I.D.?"
Customer: "I don't want to do it as a no receipt return. Why should I have it count agaist me, when it's your company's fault the receipt is disintegrating. Don't you have some sort of guarantee on the quality of your products? I want a manager. What about the damage to my car? There's oil all over my seat and I have to give my mom a ride somewhere tomorrow. That's not going to go over well."
Me: "Let me call someone for you."
Manager: "Yes, can I help you?"
Customer: "I want to get a refund for my items, because I paid cash for everything, see (showing manager receipt) you can still see it right here?"
Manager: "Okay."
Customer: "Do you know any good products that will take out oil, because it's all over my car?"
Manager: "I don't know of anything that will get out oil stains." (Offers a couple of suggestions.)
Customer: "Well, what about my money. I paid cash, can't I get my money back?"
Me: "Actually, you only paid 94 cents in cash, and put the rest on your card."
Customer: "No I didn't, I paid cash for the whole thing."
Me: "No, because I checked you out. You handed me 94 cents in cash to make the amount even and then put the rest on your card."
Customer: (Recognition dawning) "Well, then do I need my card? I don't know where it's at?"
Manager: Authorizes refund and leaves
Customer apparently shocked at being caught in her lie, forgets to keep complaining about the car, or perhaps gathering that no one's going to help her out with that, gives up and leaves.

Last but not least, customer is shopping with about 6 other family members. Places wallet in basket and then goes into dressing room to try on clothes. When customer comes back out, no wallet! Now isn't that a surprise? Somehow not one of the other individuals shopping with said customer was anywhere near the shopping cart watching out for the wallet. At the time I left, the wallet was still nowhere to be seen and the cops were coming so customer could file a report...........These are desperate times. I wouldn't be leaving anything that had any form of tender anywhere in sight of anyone, but hey that's just me!

Friends

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

"Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait to hear the answer."- Unknown

"A friend is someone who reaches out for your hand...and touches your heart."- Unknown

"How lucky I am to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to."- Unknown

"Some people come into our lives,leave footprints on our hearts,and we are never the same."- Unknown

I saw a card today that read, "Friends are the family you invite over, after the family who invited themselves over finally leaves." I found that very amusing, but it's true. We all know the saying, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family.

Friends make our life rich. They laugh with us when we're laughing, cry with us when we're crying and give us the strength to get back up when we fall down. They're the ones who come along and tell us the plain truth even when it hurts because they know it's going to hurt worse down the road if they don't tell us. God created us to have friends, we were meant to be in community, not only with Him but also with one another. Even Jesus, God himself in human form, had friends. Friends listen to us and care about what we're telling them, even if they aren't really interested. They help us find our strength when we thought it was gone, and lend us their strength when we are truly spent. Friends are a soft place to land, a sounding board and the ones who tell us to get over ourselves when that's what we need to hear. No price could be set on a friendship, because true friendship is worth more than all the riches this world might offer.

Today was a good-bye party for some of my friends. I hate to say good-bye. It seems so final, and in some ways it is........but there is also a choice. Distance need not separate friends, my move from Montana proved that to be true. I may not see my friends very often, but they are still my friends. And yet it is still bittersweet. There's an excitement and anticipation for what good lies ahead for your friends, the fulfillment of dreams, the evidences of God's goodness in their lives, but also a sorrow at what you will not have. The ability to drop in and say hi, to perchance run across one another someplace, to meet.......these are gone. Phones and e-mail keep us in touch, but there is a separation that is very real. For me, this is always the hardest part. If I had my way, everyone I know and love would be with me always, there would be no such thing as goodbye. I love big. If I give my heart to a friend, I give it all, I always have. And even though it hurts every time someone leaves, I would never want to do it differently. My true friends are the ones I can be myself with without fear. They accept me for who I am despite my flaws and love me anyway.

God is creating a masterpiece in each of us, and I know that many of the colors in mine have come from the friends I have made. Each person adds something to my life that none before or after has. My current friends have walked a tough, but exciting journey with me. They have seen me at my weakest, and been there to support me. They have encouraged me to be the person God created me to be and to live my life completely devoted to Him. And I know that regardless of what the future holds for any of us, we will always be there for one another, even if we can't physically do so.

And so my friends, I say good-bye, but not for good. We will meet again whether in this world or the next. And no matter the distance between us, you will always be near in my heart. Your friendship has meant the world to me and I love you beyond all measure.

Freedom

Proud To Be An American by Lee Greenwood

If tomorrow all the things were gone,

I’d worked for all my life.

And I had to start again,

with just my children and my wife.

I’d thank my lucky stars,

to be livin here today.

‘ Cause the flag still stands for freedom,

and they can’t take that away.

And I’m proud to be an American,

where at least I know I’m free.

And I wont forget the men who died,

who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,

next to you and defend her still today.

‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,

God bless the USA.

From the lakes of Minnesota,

to the hills of Tennessee.

Across the plains of Texas,

From sea to shining sea.

From Detroit down to Houston,

and New York to L.A.

Well there's pride in every American heart,

and its time we stand and say.

That I’m proud to be an American,

where at least I know I’m free.

And I wont forget the men who died,

who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,

next to you and defend her still today.

‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,

God bless the USA.

And I’m proud to be and American,

where at least I know I’m free.

I wont forget the men who died,

who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,

next to you and defend her still today.

‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,

God bless the USA.

Today marks the 232nd birthday of our nation. Today I watched a magnificent firework display. What better use of money can you have than to blow it up?......but I digress. And I also heard the above song. It set me to thinking.

In the past 200 years we have seen many changes occur in our country, some for the better and some for the worse, but one thing has not changed: freedom. Thousands of people have died to preserve that freedom and many more are dying each day to protect that freedom and bring freedom to other countries of this world. I thank God that I have the freedom to worship Him without fear of government retaliation. I thank God that I have the right to vote. I thank God that I have the right to express myself. But most of all, I thank God for the men and women around the world who are defending my freedom and the freedom of others.

Thank you to those who have given their lives for freedom and their families and thank you to those who are fighting to preserve freedom and your families who anxiously await your return.

God is not a vending machine!

Okay, so you put in your 25¢.........oops, that was the good old days, now it’s $1…but that’s a whole different can of worms........., press the button, and (provided the machine is working properly) out comes a cold beverage of your choice. That’s how a lot of people seem to view God, ask Him for what you want and He should deliver despite wind, hail, sleet, snow…like the post office. I have to confess that at times that is how I’ve viewed God. Not that we shouldn’t ask God for things expecting that He will deliver, but it shouldn’t rattle our cage when He delivers in a different manner than we expect. Sometimes, just like a parent God tells us NO! or maybe even that we're going to have to wait.

Luke 11:9-13
So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!

Matthew 6:5-13
"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
"This, then, is how you should pray: " 'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.'

So Luke tells us to ask and we will receive and Matthew clarifies that God already knows what we need before we ask and also how we should pray. I believe that God could deliver a million dollars if I asked Him to…….but I also believe that He knows that I don’t really need a million dollars. It seems to me that what He desires us to ask for and the things He knows we need are a closer walk with Him and a view of our life and world that matches His. Why would I be praying for a million dollars for me, when half-way around the world a mother is simply praying that God will help her make enough money to keep her child from starving to death? Yes as parents we're going to give our child what they ask for if we can or think it's in their best interest. But if I don't have an egg to give my child and I do have pancakes, I'm still going to meet their need.....just not in the way they expected.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that vending machines give us our desire instantaneously and that’s not how God is. God loves us beyond measure and desires the very best for us. I don’t want prayer to ever become a “token” offering. Okay God I’m going to live for you today if you give me what I want….that’s not how it works. I’m going to live for Him every day because I want to please Him and I’m going to try not to ask things out of my own selfishness, but rather to ask for things that will bring Him glory. Additionally, it’s not only about asking........another pitfall I stumble into. I ask God for things all day long, but how much of my day do I take to thank Him for the things He does give me and has given me? How much time do I take to ask his forgiveness for my shortcomings? How much time do I spend just simply praising who He is? Sadly, not enough. It for some reason comes easier to simply pepper Him with requests of things I want all day and expect Him to deliver…….like the soda machine.