Random thoughts

This blog entry is long overdue, but I fear my blogging is going to be very far and few between for the next several months. School is in full swing and the homework assignments are piling up, leaving little time for anything else.

Anyhow, I thought I would share some of the things that have been going on in my life of late, along with some of the random thoughts that seem to occupy my mind at various times.
I was eating lunch at school the other day. It was a nice day, so I was sitting outside with my salad. The salad had come with lemon wedges. As I was sitting eating, a bee came and began buzzing around my head. I swatted it away with a napkin, but it persistently came back. It seemed attracted to the bright yellow color of the lemons, which I guess it assumed was a flower. In an effort to get the bee away from me, I pushed the lemon wedges to the opposite side of the table. The bee proceeded to land on the lemon and checked it out. As I sat there watching this, I was imagining the bees’ face….he just landed on what he thought was a flower, but this sure doesn’t taste like any flower he’s seen before………wrinkled up nose, puckered lips (like when you taste something that’s super sour). I don’t know what the bee actually thought, but he left and didn’t come back. And I got a great chuckle out of imagining a bee with a puckered up face……..it’s random, I know.

Another day I was walking across campus. As I walked, I was watching people around me. It’s something I’ve always liked to do, just watch. There were groups of students walking together, talking and laughing…..I wondered what they were talking about. What was it that made them laugh? I saw people on cell phones, people sending text messages, people on computers, people studying, people just walking. Tidbits of conversation floated through the air. I saw a girl crying. Why was she sad? What made her cry? My heart ached for her. Would it be weird to walk up and ask if there was anything I could do.............I wondered at all the sights and sounds around me. What does Jesus see when he looks at all these things. Does he see his creation too busy for him, caught up in living life their way with no room for his love?..........I wondered.

Makya is in one of the classes to whom I teach music on Sunday mornings. She runs up each week and gives me a huge hug, exclaiming, “Ya-ya, I’m so happy to see you!” She calls me throughout the week as well. “Ya-Ya, what are you doing?” Usually I’m at school, on my way to school, or on my way to work. She then proceeds to say, “Are you coming to see me?” When I tell her that I can’t come right now she says, “Poor Ya-Ya, that’s a bummer.” It’s really cute.

Ashtyn is making amazing strides. It’s incredible really. The other day I stopped by the house to visit. She saw me and got a huge grin and came running with arm lifted up. She giggled with delight when I picked her up and swung her around. The child, who not so long ago seemed to be oblivious to my existence, recognized me and was happy to see me. A few days later, we were eating lunch together after church and she looked at me and said, “Ya-Ya.” It was the most amazing thing! She has never called me by any name up until now…….She also now says, “go,” “there you go” and one random time, “la cucaracha.” God is doing a great work in her through the various therapies she’s receiving.

That’s all there’s time for at present. I will try to update periodically, but with a full load, my MCAT prep course that has its own homework, and my work schedule……..I’m not making any promises.

A gentle push

God knows me so well, it amazes me, and at times makes me laugh. I have been having a little fit about switching stores and leaving the store manager I like so well and the people I've become familiar with. When anyone mentions it, "I'm not ready." "I don't want to." You get the idea.

Well, God definitely has a sense of humor. Last week, they brought me a card to sign for my store manager. She transferred to another store! I don't know the reasons or anything behind her leaving, but now all of a sudden that excuse is stripped away. Yes, I have other reasons that I like my store, but that was one of the major ones.....and now it's gone. Some of the other people I've built rapport with are moving on as well. It seems that this may be a season of change in many areas of my life. God saw that I wasn't wanting to budge, and He stripped away some of my excuses, in order to get me to move forward.

The current store has agreed to work with me through my MCAT prep class which ends in January, so I'm planning to stay on until I finish with that just to spare some hardship on the other end of a transfer.......but the time is coming when I will be changing stores. And I know God has my best interests at heart, He's been showing me that all along, when I'll stop long enough to notice.

Attitude of Gratitude

Last week, I made a choice that I think will probably forever change how I live my life. I was having a day of seemingly endless, excruciating pain. After begging God to relieve me, I finally just came to the point where I was able to tell him, "I don't care if you don't relieve the pain, I'm still going to live for you and I'm going to be thankful for the pain." Now while that might seem bizarre to some, it was a place I needed to come to.

I too often find myself whining to God, "Lord, I hurt so bad, please just make it go away." Can He do that? Of course He can, I have no doubt. Will He do that? I honestly have no idea. Does His allowing me to suffer pain mean He loves me any less or that He's punishing me for some misdeed? Absolutely not! Quite often I have been prayed for and told that all I had to do was believe and I would be healed. When I wasn't healed, I was told I just didn't have enough faith, or I didn't really believe God could do it, or even worse, I had some unforgiven sin in my life that was preventing me from being healed because this was my punishment. Now don't get me wrong, I don't purport to be some amazing Christian who never has any doubts or has somehow attained the ability to never sin. These are still very real struggles for me, but they are not what keeps me from being healed. First and foremost, I know God disciplines us because He loves us, but I do not believe that He is sitting in heaven just waiting for me to screw up so He can inflict His wrath on me. And I don't believe the pain I experience is a form of discipline. Rather, it is a result of our fallen creation.

While I don't really know exactly why God has allowed me to experience this, I do know that He knows. And I trust that this is a tool He is using to change me into the person He created me to be. Who knows, maybe someday I will meet someone else who has/is experiencing something similar and I can be of encouragement to them in their faith. God uses ALL things together for good, not just the nice things, not just the pleasant things, but the ugly, the painful, the seemingly unusable things.........He turns them all to good, if we will but submit ourselves to Him.

And you know what I've noticed? I'm not nearly grateful enough most of the time. I don't thank God often enough for the struggles in my life. Now that I have chosen to begin doing so........it has made all the difference. It doesn't make the pain any less, but it does make it more bearable, because I know that in the long-run it serves a purpose. I also know that I am not carrying the burden of my pain all alone. God is there walking me through it, carrying me when I don't have the strength to carry on. And rather than feeling sorry for myself, I am feeling thankful for the fact that I am still alive and God is not finished with me yet. I still can't wait to get to heaven, but it's not to be pain-free anymore. I can't wait to walk with Jesus and to understand and know the plan He ordained for my life, before I was ever even created.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11