Well, the last several weeks have been a trip. I have come to truly understand what Jesus meant when he said "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money." (Matthew 6:24 NIV) For too long I have been trying to serve both, but it really is impossible.
If you had asked me 10 years ago, where I would be at this point in my life, it certainly wouldn't be here. But alas, here it is that I find myself now. Not that I have an obsession with making money, but still my mind has been consumed with worries about how I'm going to pay for this, that and the other thing. It would be easy enough to say, "It's not my fault." But indeed, it is. I didn't plan to get sick, I didn't plan to rack up $25,000+ in medical bills. Those aren't things one plans. However, I did make the choice what to do about paying those bills. I chose to fix it on my own, or at least try. And....I've failed, miserably. All that debt, all those people who were calling constantly trying to get me to set up a payment schedule........I didn't know what to do. I felt overwhelmed, hopeless, much like I do now. For anyone out there who might be reading this, please take a lesson from me, credit cards are not a way out. In fact, thanks to credit cards, I now find myself with a whopping $45,000 in debt I cannot pay. Oh, I've been trying. Living month to month on credit, so that I can pay the bill. But the thing is, when all you do is pay the bill and then have to put all your living expenses back on the card, you don't get anywhere. You just get farther and farther in debt and the situation becomes more hopeless. I never intended to get into this mess, I never intended not to be able to pay, I never wanted to serve money, and yet that is exactly where I have landed myself.
I finally had to face the music. I can't afford to pay the bill. I can't afford to continue living on credit. I can't afford, well.......anything. I had to ask for help. Unfortunately, no one can help me. My parents know........I've devalued myself even further in their eyes. My sister and brother-in-law know. My job knows. My landlords know. My friends know. The only question I get is "Why?" I hate that question! Because of pride mostly.........but also because I didn't want to be made to feel any less valuable by my family, or anyone else. I wanted to make them proud, to be someone they respected..............so much for that.
Game over. I quit. I've tried to work it out myself, and it hasn't worked. You know why? Because it was never meant to be worked out by me alone. If I had taken things to God in the beginning, maybe I wouldn't be in this place right now. But, I just had to try!
All the things I desire have come crashing down around me. I filed for bankruptcy today. I don't know if I'll ever be able to go to medical school. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get to Africa. I don't know where this will lead me. I just don't know. The only thing that I do know, is this, God has a plan. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV) I'm sure this is not what He wanted for me, but I also know that He takes our failures and uses them for His good. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28 NIV) I trust that God knows the desires of my heart, and that He is bigger than my circumstances. I trust that He can work everything out, even if I don't see how it's going to happen.
This isn't what I had intended to happen. This wasn't a part of my plan. This isn't what I wanted, but it is what it is. I just have to keep my eyes on Jesus. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV) My focus has been on the impending lawsuits, the bills I can't pay, the approval I can't win........everywhere except where it needed to be. So, I'm lifting up my face to heaven and asking once again for forgiveness I don't deserve. I'm moving forward, seeking the approval of the only One who matters. After all, it's all in His hands anyway. "Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." (Psalm 34:8 NIV)
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