Psalm 139:1-18
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
Hearing "bad news" about your child is devastating. It brings up tons of questions, fears and "what ifs." Ashtyn is not my child, but we have a special bond nonetheless. I have been with her from the first day of her life. I have cared for her as my own child, spending long sleepless nights when she was sick and countless hours playing with her. I have known for a long time that something was wrong; we all have.......but it wasn't until yesterday when she was diagnosed with autism that the fears were confirmed. Something definitely is wrong. She will need special schooling, speech therapy and dietary adjustments.
However, even in the midst of it all, I can't help but be reminded of the above verses. God does not make mistakes---each of us is created in His image, showing some aspect of his character. While I know the years ahead are going to be difficult, God has a plan in it all.(Jeremiah 29:11) He put this precious baby girl together piece by piece, a beautiful masterpiece, intended to reflect Him and for His glory. She is what she was meant to be and we will have the opportunity to watch and see what God does with this precious child who means more to Him than she does even to us. Now things make more sense.......we know what we're dealing with. We know why she has inappropriate pain responses, we know why she sobs inconsolably every time the dogs bark, we have questions but we also now have some answers.
I have great hope for Ashtyn. My first encounter with autism was in the nursery at my church as a teenager. I watched how the parents of this child handled their daughter. Six years later, as a first grade teacher I was presented with the challenge of an autistic student. I watched as her mother handled her, and I learned a lot. I also connected with that precious little girl in a way one wouldn't expect an autistic child to connect. This gives me great hope for Ashtyn, I know what is possible. I cannot help but believe that God orchestrated these encounters to prepare me for "such a time as this." I am going to be a pediatrician, that is what God has called me to do. And I will be able to provide much needed care for Ashtyn throughout her life. God has ordered and ordained all our steps up to this point and I know He will lead and guide in the days and years to come.
It's still scary, overwhelming and filled with uncertainty.......there have been many tears shed the past two days, many questions as to what happens next, but knowing that God is in control and all His ways are perfect has helped. I cannot imagine how I would deal with this apart from Christ.
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