In light of my recent financial troubles, my parents have made it abundantly clear that I am "throwing away my life" working at Walmart. Okay, now don't get me wrong, Walmart is not a career path.........at least not for me. But it's paying me something at least.
Once again I find myself caught in a situation I don't know how to work through. They have begged me to apply for a teaching position for the fall, which I grudgingly have done. I don't know if I stand any chance of getting hired, but to be honest I don't really care. I have at least a year before I can go to medical school, assuming that is still something I'm able to achieve with all that has transpired. I'm tired of being driven like a donkey by their constant nagging. They don't believe in me, I already know that. They don't think I'm capable of becoming a doctor, I know that too. I think they honestly believe that I'm going to go back to teaching and be so in love with it, I'm just going to forget about what I really want. No matter that I already know that won't happen. No matter that I will be completely miserable the rest of my life. No matter that I'd rather drive off the interstate at 100 mph..........it just doesn't matter, at least not to them. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed teaching. I love children, so teaching was a lot of fun, but I know that's not what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life. And each moment I'm held back from what I know I'm supposed to do is like an eternity. I feel unfulfilled.
I wish I could help them understand, but I can't. I wish I could make them believe in me, but I can't do that either. I wish I had the guts to tell them off, rather than allowing them to brow beat me into submission, but alas I'm gutless too. So now I sit and ask God and myself.........."What am I to do?"
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.........
Well, the last several weeks have been a trip. I have come to truly understand what Jesus meant when he said "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money." (Matthew 6:24 NIV) For too long I have been trying to serve both, but it really is impossible.
If you had asked me 10 years ago, where I would be at this point in my life, it certainly wouldn't be here. But alas, here it is that I find myself now. Not that I have an obsession with making money, but still my mind has been consumed with worries about how I'm going to pay for this, that and the other thing. It would be easy enough to say, "It's not my fault." But indeed, it is. I didn't plan to get sick, I didn't plan to rack up $25,000+ in medical bills. Those aren't things one plans. However, I did make the choice what to do about paying those bills. I chose to fix it on my own, or at least try. And....I've failed, miserably. All that debt, all those people who were calling constantly trying to get me to set up a payment schedule........I didn't know what to do. I felt overwhelmed, hopeless, much like I do now. For anyone out there who might be reading this, please take a lesson from me, credit cards are not a way out. In fact, thanks to credit cards, I now find myself with a whopping $45,000 in debt I cannot pay. Oh, I've been trying. Living month to month on credit, so that I can pay the bill. But the thing is, when all you do is pay the bill and then have to put all your living expenses back on the card, you don't get anywhere. You just get farther and farther in debt and the situation becomes more hopeless. I never intended to get into this mess, I never intended not to be able to pay, I never wanted to serve money, and yet that is exactly where I have landed myself.
I finally had to face the music. I can't afford to pay the bill. I can't afford to continue living on credit. I can't afford, well.......anything. I had to ask for help. Unfortunately, no one can help me. My parents know........I've devalued myself even further in their eyes. My sister and brother-in-law know. My job knows. My landlords know. My friends know. The only question I get is "Why?" I hate that question! Because of pride mostly.........but also because I didn't want to be made to feel any less valuable by my family, or anyone else. I wanted to make them proud, to be someone they respected..............so much for that.
Game over. I quit. I've tried to work it out myself, and it hasn't worked. You know why? Because it was never meant to be worked out by me alone. If I had taken things to God in the beginning, maybe I wouldn't be in this place right now. But, I just had to try!
All the things I desire have come crashing down around me. I filed for bankruptcy today. I don't know if I'll ever be able to go to medical school. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get to Africa. I don't know where this will lead me. I just don't know. The only thing that I do know, is this, God has a plan. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV) I'm sure this is not what He wanted for me, but I also know that He takes our failures and uses them for His good. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28 NIV) I trust that God knows the desires of my heart, and that He is bigger than my circumstances. I trust that He can work everything out, even if I don't see how it's going to happen.
This isn't what I had intended to happen. This wasn't a part of my plan. This isn't what I wanted, but it is what it is. I just have to keep my eyes on Jesus. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV) My focus has been on the impending lawsuits, the bills I can't pay, the approval I can't win........everywhere except where it needed to be. So, I'm lifting up my face to heaven and asking once again for forgiveness I don't deserve. I'm moving forward, seeking the approval of the only One who matters. After all, it's all in His hands anyway. "Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." (Psalm 34:8 NIV)
If you had asked me 10 years ago, where I would be at this point in my life, it certainly wouldn't be here. But alas, here it is that I find myself now. Not that I have an obsession with making money, but still my mind has been consumed with worries about how I'm going to pay for this, that and the other thing. It would be easy enough to say, "It's not my fault." But indeed, it is. I didn't plan to get sick, I didn't plan to rack up $25,000+ in medical bills. Those aren't things one plans. However, I did make the choice what to do about paying those bills. I chose to fix it on my own, or at least try. And....I've failed, miserably. All that debt, all those people who were calling constantly trying to get me to set up a payment schedule........I didn't know what to do. I felt overwhelmed, hopeless, much like I do now. For anyone out there who might be reading this, please take a lesson from me, credit cards are not a way out. In fact, thanks to credit cards, I now find myself with a whopping $45,000 in debt I cannot pay. Oh, I've been trying. Living month to month on credit, so that I can pay the bill. But the thing is, when all you do is pay the bill and then have to put all your living expenses back on the card, you don't get anywhere. You just get farther and farther in debt and the situation becomes more hopeless. I never intended to get into this mess, I never intended not to be able to pay, I never wanted to serve money, and yet that is exactly where I have landed myself.
I finally had to face the music. I can't afford to pay the bill. I can't afford to continue living on credit. I can't afford, well.......anything. I had to ask for help. Unfortunately, no one can help me. My parents know........I've devalued myself even further in their eyes. My sister and brother-in-law know. My job knows. My landlords know. My friends know. The only question I get is "Why?" I hate that question! Because of pride mostly.........but also because I didn't want to be made to feel any less valuable by my family, or anyone else. I wanted to make them proud, to be someone they respected..............so much for that.
Game over. I quit. I've tried to work it out myself, and it hasn't worked. You know why? Because it was never meant to be worked out by me alone. If I had taken things to God in the beginning, maybe I wouldn't be in this place right now. But, I just had to try!
All the things I desire have come crashing down around me. I filed for bankruptcy today. I don't know if I'll ever be able to go to medical school. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get to Africa. I don't know where this will lead me. I just don't know. The only thing that I do know, is this, God has a plan. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV) I'm sure this is not what He wanted for me, but I also know that He takes our failures and uses them for His good. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28 NIV) I trust that God knows the desires of my heart, and that He is bigger than my circumstances. I trust that He can work everything out, even if I don't see how it's going to happen.
This isn't what I had intended to happen. This wasn't a part of my plan. This isn't what I wanted, but it is what it is. I just have to keep my eyes on Jesus. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV) My focus has been on the impending lawsuits, the bills I can't pay, the approval I can't win........everywhere except where it needed to be. So, I'm lifting up my face to heaven and asking once again for forgiveness I don't deserve. I'm moving forward, seeking the approval of the only One who matters. After all, it's all in His hands anyway. "Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." (Psalm 34:8 NIV)
Friday, March 13, 2009
Painted in a corner
Have you ever painted yourself into a corner? I have..........not literally, but figuratively. You're working toward a goal, trying to accomplish something, and suddenly you look up only to discover your trapped. You can't move, you have no where to go. If you go in any direction before the paint/stain dries, you'll ruin all the hard work you just did. It's an oppressive feeling, being trapped with no where to turn, no way out, no possible escape. Have you ever seen the look in the eyes of an animal about to be trapped? There is a frantic, panic-stricken realization that no matter which way they go, they are doomed. And it is followed by a look of helplessness and hopelessness. The grim reality of the situation seizes them and they give up. I wonder how Joseph felt when his brothers threw him into the cistern. Did he think he was doomed to die there? Did he wonder what they might do to him next? Did he look for a way out, clawing desperately at the dirt wall surrounding him, searching for any twig, root, or possible other item to get hold of and pull himself to freedom? Or did he just look up to heaven and ask God to deliver him?
I am in a corner, pinned against a wall. I am trapped by the circumstances of my past choices. There is no way out, I have no way of escape that I can see. The giants are surrounding me, threatening to overcome me any moment. I have pursued all the options I know to take. Every turn brings a few answers, but always, along with those, many more questions. I don't know which way to go, I don't even know if there is a way to go. I'm trapped, and I feel the net coming down around me. I have hope, but it seems ever so fleeting.
God promises to always provide a way out in every trial, but what about the trials I bring upon myself. Does that promise still apply? How do I find the way? When prayers seem so empty and God seems so distant. How do I know what to do? I feel lost and alone, and stuck in my corner. I keep looking up, but I don't see any rescue. God help me.............I can't do this on my own. My life is a carnage of trying to do it my way. I'm tired, and scared and so uncertain...........Is there a way out of this pit? Have I thrown my future away? I'm done God.............so done.................lift me out of this hole; take my hand and lead me.
I am in a corner, pinned against a wall. I am trapped by the circumstances of my past choices. There is no way out, I have no way of escape that I can see. The giants are surrounding me, threatening to overcome me any moment. I have pursued all the options I know to take. Every turn brings a few answers, but always, along with those, many more questions. I don't know which way to go, I don't even know if there is a way to go. I'm trapped, and I feel the net coming down around me. I have hope, but it seems ever so fleeting.
God promises to always provide a way out in every trial, but what about the trials I bring upon myself. Does that promise still apply? How do I find the way? When prayers seem so empty and God seems so distant. How do I know what to do? I feel lost and alone, and stuck in my corner. I keep looking up, but I don't see any rescue. God help me.............I can't do this on my own. My life is a carnage of trying to do it my way. I'm tired, and scared and so uncertain...........Is there a way out of this pit? Have I thrown my future away? I'm done God.............so done.................lift me out of this hole; take my hand and lead me.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Choosing a new Partner
Last night was amazing. One of my friends, for whom I have a lot of respect, shared her story through dance. It was a lesson about choosing your partner, the Partner you were designed to dance with. It was phenomenal! For too long now, I have been dancing with the wrong partner. I was looking for the "thing" that would fulfill me, bring me the love I desire, accept me for who I am, just care that I exist.....all the while I was holding at bay the only One who could do all of those things and more.
The consequences for my choices are harsh, but I have to face them. However, I know I will not face them alone. He, the One I was created to dance for, is here. He will walk by my side, He will see me to the other end of this long, black tunnel of despair. I beat myself up, but He's there to pick up the pieces. I panic and look for any way out, but He's trying to show me the way through. I feel ultimate despair, but He is holding my hand, reassuring me we will get through this somehow. My mind has been consumed with mountains that seem insurmountable, valleys that seem too deep, and oceans I can't swim across. All the while He has been standing there waiting for me to turn and look at Him, to run into His arms, to follow His lead.....to take my eyes off my circumstances and to once, just once, turn my thoughts toward Him.
I've danced to the wrong tune for too long, I'm tired. I've taken the wrong roads, I'm lost. I've doubted and the waves have crashed around me. I feel despair, yet know somehow there is hope. I'm choosing my dance Partner now. The One who knows the number of hairs on my head, who loves me more than anyone ever could, who has collected every tear I've ever shed, who knit me together in my mother's womb.....He is the One I choose.
I can't see the end of this road, I can't take away all of my fears, I can't guarantee that it will all be alright, but He can. So, I'm dancing to the beat of a different drum, and following the lead of the only One who can be trusted completely.
Psalm 121
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?
The consequences for my choices are harsh, but I have to face them. However, I know I will not face them alone. He, the One I was created to dance for, is here. He will walk by my side, He will see me to the other end of this long, black tunnel of despair. I beat myself up, but He's there to pick up the pieces. I panic and look for any way out, but He's trying to show me the way through. I feel ultimate despair, but He is holding my hand, reassuring me we will get through this somehow. My mind has been consumed with mountains that seem insurmountable, valleys that seem too deep, and oceans I can't swim across. All the while He has been standing there waiting for me to turn and look at Him, to run into His arms, to follow His lead.....to take my eyes off my circumstances and to once, just once, turn my thoughts toward Him.
I've danced to the wrong tune for too long, I'm tired. I've taken the wrong roads, I'm lost. I've doubted and the waves have crashed around me. I feel despair, yet know somehow there is hope. I'm choosing my dance Partner now. The One who knows the number of hairs on my head, who loves me more than anyone ever could, who has collected every tear I've ever shed, who knit me together in my mother's womb.....He is the One I choose.
I can't see the end of this road, I can't take away all of my fears, I can't guarantee that it will all be alright, but He can. So, I'm dancing to the beat of a different drum, and following the lead of the only One who can be trusted completely.
Psalm 121
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
3 He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
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